


Ten Paces from You

by brumalbreeze



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-07-12
Packaged: 2018-02-05 12:00:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1817710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brumalbreeze/pseuds/brumalbreeze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he sat on the swaying train with his hand tucked in Nagisa’s, Rei distantly wondered where the two of them would be, 365 days from the standstill moment they were trapped in, because it took him one year to fall in love, another to recognize it, and a third to realize it was too late.</p><p>A story about irreversibility and loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/89376912782/ten-paces-from-you-prologue).

With greetings inevitably came partings. This, Rei knew.

Nagisa did too, but it didn’t keep them from feeling devastated as they watched Makoto hug his family members one by one. They were all in various states of crying—the twins being the loudest and least ashamed—as they embraced and said their goodbyes.

Haruka, Rin, Gou, Rei, and Nagisa hovered around the edge of the group, waiting for their turn.

This was going to be the last they would get to see of Makoto for a long while. His flight for Tokyo was waiting, and so was his future university life.

Rin and Gou went up to him after the Tachibana family finished and politely stepped aside.

Gou had been steadily crying into her handkerchief and leaning on her older brother for moral support, but the second they were standing in front of Makoto, she started crying in earnest. Rin looked a little flustered and lost but still comforted her naturally, a reliable older brother through and through.

Rei couldn’t hear what the two siblings were saying to Makoto, but there was a lot of awkward eye rubbing and throat clearing going on, mostly from Rin. Rin’s voice fluctuated roughly as he said his goodbyes, not wanting to look at Makoto in the face because it was too embarrassing, but Gou was avoiding eye contact for another reason. Every time she managed to look up, she broke down and became incapable of speaking.

It took Makoto and Rin a lot of soothing to get her to calm down to a coherent level. In the end, she just ended up hugging him fiercely and thanking him for everything. The taller boy laughed and hugged her back, humming happily as they embraced.

When they parted, Gou stepped away to wipe away her face, and Rin stayed behind. They exchanged short words, Rin rubbed the back of his neck, glanced at Haruka, and looked away again. In the end he stuck out his hand for Makoto to shake. Makoto looked at it in surprise, took it, and then grabbed Rin into a full-body hug. It was with an indignant yell and some struggling before he relaxed and hugged back.

When they came apart, Rin’s eyes were rimmed with red, and he sniffled loudly and harshly. He slung his arm around his little sister and walked off, calling back with, “Take care of yourself, you big idiot. And don’t forget to call!”

Once the two red-headed siblings were done, it was Rei and Nagisa’s turn. Nagisa, who had been poorly repressing his tears the entire time, sprinted toward Makoto. He rivalled the enthusiasm and volume of sobbing that the Tachibana twins had expressed as he squeezed the taller boy to near death.

“Mako-chan! I’m gonna miss you _sooo_ much when you’re gone! Rei-chan, Gou-chan, and I’ll keep taking good care of the swim team, so you don’t have to worry about it, but we’re gonna miss you so, so much! You gotta remember to call us sometimes, or else I’ll text you to death! And I’ll send Rock Hopping Bread to Tokyo for you too!”

Makoto, with tears at the corners of his eyes, wheezed and laughed as he gratefully patted Nagisa on the back.

“Thanks, Nagisa. I’m sure you guys will make the swim team even better. But you don’t have to send me the bread….”

It took a few minutes before Nagisa finally dislodged himself from Makoto’s front and sniffed sadly with huge, watery eyes. He took one look at Makoto, broke down again, and resorted to clinging onto Rei instead. He buried his head into Rei’s sweater and muffled his wailing as the bespectacled boy kept his arm awkwardly over his shoulders.

“As Nagisa-kun promised you, we’ll do our best to maintain the swim club and make you proud, Makoto-senpai. I wish you the best in your future endeavors in Tokyo. Please remember that we are still here for you, no matter how far you are from us,” he said, willing his voice to not waver. It was hard, however, especially when Makoto looked like he was really going to start crying, and Nagisa was whimpering pathetically into his chest. “Thank you for taking care of me for the past two years, Makoto-senpai. I am forever indebted to your kindness.”

His eyes stung and watered as he bowed politely, taking Nagisa down with him, since he wouldn’t let go.

At this point, Nagisa’s cries sharpened, and he flung himself carelessly into Makoto’s arms again.

“Me too, Mako-chan!” he sobbed, not able to keep his sentences coherent enough to repeat what Rei said.

To the side, Makoto’s parents laughed slightly as they soothed the twins.

Rei was able to pry the blond off Makoto after another few minutes and retreated some distance away, as to give Makoto and Haruka some space.

As the two older boys talked, Rei took his time to try and comfort Nagisa. He still hadn’t stopped crying, and neither did it seem like he would any time soon. Rei didn’t know what to say, so he only rubbed circles on his back and offered tiny noises of recognition whenever Nagisa blubbered something about Makoto and missing him.

Rei watched sadly as Makoto and Haruka spoke in soft undertones, their faces tilted toward the ground, as if it would hurt them too much to look each other in the eye. Makoto reached out softly and held Haruka by the wrist, letting their arms pull on each other gently and hang between them. He tilted his head and smiled, still saying something.

Haruka’s hand became a loose fist, and he looked to the side, expressing his stubborn unwillingness in the same way he had ever since Rei met him. But then, his fingers uncurled, and his gaze returned to the space in front of him again.

When Makoto leaned down to embrace Haruka tightly and turned his face into the shorter boy’s hair as if to say something into his ear, Rei looked away. He felt like he was intruding too much on their moment of privacy.

At this point, Nagisa was hugging him full-on like a needy sea-star, and there was nothing Rei could do but hug him back. He knew his sweater was going to need a good washing after this ordeal, but he couldn’t really find the strength to do anything about his friend at the moment.

Rei smiled softly and, somewhat like Makoto did to Haruka, pressed his face into the top of Nagisa’s head.

“It’s okay, Nagisa-kun,” he said. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I _know_ ,” he wept, “but I’m still gonna miss himaaauuugh—!”

Rei just laughed and squeezed him tighter as the end of his sentence melted into an incoherent abomination of a noise.

 

* * *

 

That afternoon, after Makoto’s parents had dropped them off at the station, Rei and Nagisa took the train home together. The shorter boy had fallen asleep on the car trip back, but he was still thoroughly exhausted by how much crying he had done.

The entire time, he held onto Rei’s hand, as if using him as an anchor to reality. Rei hadn’t minded and let Nagisa do whatever he wanted. He had been around Nagisa far too long to be bothered by other people staring at them anyway.

On the train, they were lucky enough to get seats.

Within a minute of departing from the station, Nagisa had dozed off again. Their hands were still tightly intertwined, even as the blond whimpered sadly in his sleep. Rei sighed with a happy sort of resignation and nudged Nagisa’s head into a better position on his shoulder. In response, Nagisa squeezed his fingers against his and mumbled something.

The waning light of the day turned warm and surreal as the familiar scenery of Iwatobi passed by outside the train window. Rei turned his head to watch, his chin brushing up against Nagisa’s forehead as he napped.

In a year, this wouldn’t be the type of scenery he would be seeing, Rei knew.

If he were lucky and managed to do it, he, like Makoto, would be going to Tokyo to study as well. It had always been his dream, and he tried hard every day to get closer to that goal.

As well as Iwatobi treated him, Rei knew he was destined for bigger and better things in the future.

Eventually, he would have to leave the small town he had grown so fond of behind.

As he sat on the swaying train with his hand tucked in Nagisa’s, Rei distantly wondered where the two of them would be, 365 days from the standstill moment they were trapped in, because it took him one year to fall in love, another to recognize it, and a third to realize it was too late.


	2. As Many Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/89463416407/ten-paces-from-you-chapter-1).
> 
>  
> 
> **"As many times as I will tell myself that you are beautiful and I do not love you, I will fall for you even more."**

He didn’t mean to fall in love (because no one purposefully decides to do such a stupid and painful thing to themselves), but by the time he had finally come to terms with his state of being, it was too late. That was what he kept telling himself as each week that passed only marked how regrettably and irreversibly _late_ it was.

Rei always wondered what things might have been like if it hadn’t take him an entire year to leave his denial behind and just deal with the fact that, yes, he had fallen in love with his best friend. If, instead of a year, it had only been a few months before he stopped saying, “I’m just being silly,” and started thinking, “I’m in love with Nagisa-kun.” If maybe that meant he would have had more time, or if it meant he wouldn’t be stuck in this vicious cycle of painful days and nights, knowing that there was no more meaning any more.

It was his own fault from the very beginning. This, Rei also knew, but that didn’t mean the pain was any lesser. If anything, it only magnified and made the wound fester even more.

He thought back to the many times Nagisa had stared at him with open, unabashed awe and said, “Rei-chan… that’s amazing! You’re so smart!” and realized that, no, Nagisa had been terribly, terribly wrong.

He wasn’t “amazing” or “smart” at all. He had always just been stupid and scared and—

 “—Late! Rei-chan, c’mon! Hurry up, or else Gou-chan is going to kill us! Again.” Nagisa rounded his desk and stopped in front of it while shoving his book into his bag. Their teacher had just dismissed them, but Nagisa was already rushing.

“We’ll be fine, Nagisa-kun,” Rei said ever-so-patiently. He was in the process of meticulously organizing his pencil case and getting ready to put it in his backpack. The pen he was holding onto was snatched out of his fingers and unceremoniously shoved into his case—in the wrong spot.

He looked up, aghast and offended, only to meet Nagisa’s bright and cheerful eyes.

“No, we won’t,” he said with a smile which completely contradicted the ominousness of his words, “because guess who lost today’s workout schedule?”

Rei’s eyes widened. “Nagisa-kun! Gou-san _told_ you not to lose that! Where did you leave it?” His actions became hurried once he realized the severity of their situation.

“See, that’s the thing!” the blond said, backing up as Rei started throwing things into his bag haphazardly. “I _swear_ I had it at lunch earlier, but remember how I had to run some errands after that? Well, I must’ve left it somewhere, but I just don’t know where!”

Rei sighed exasperatedly and stood up from his seat. “Come along, and try to remember the last place you still had it with you.”

“Okay!” he chirped and flew out the door.

The hallways were packed with lingering students who didn’t want to go to their club activities or cram school yet, so they were a little difficult to navigate through. However, with Nagisa’s (relatively) smaller build and quick movements, he was able to worm his way through mostly everyone. He threw occasional, rushed greetings at familiar faces but otherwise made a steady beeline toward the direction of the swimming pool locker rooms.

Rei, on the other hand, had to resort to apologetically shoving his way through groups, since he was too big to gracefully and discreetly slip between the gaps. As he brushed up against his fellow schoolmates, he apologized distractedly, one eye always on Nagisa.

Soon, they both reached an area which thinned out a little. A familiar head of red hair stepped out of one of the classrooms.

Gou’s eyes widened slightly as she saw her two friends barreling through the hallways.

“Oh!” she said, eyebrows rising as Nagisa skipped past her and Rei aggressively speed-walked after him. “Nagisa-kun, Rei-kun. Why are you two so rushed? Practice doesn’t start until—”

“Good afternoon, Gou-san. Nagisa-kun and I just have to run some errands first before then, so don’t you worry about us at all!” Rei said with what he hoped was a disarming smile and easy air. He knew he wasn’t as good as the golden-haired boy when it came to things like white lies, but so long as Gou’s suspicions weren’t stirred, things should have theoretically been alright.

A flash of disbelief and bewilderment bunched up Gou’s eyebrows, nose, and mouth, but she shook her head and waved at Rei as he continued to follow Nagisa. Rei knew he failed in convincing her of their innocence, but at least she didn’t press the matter. They were safe, but only until they found the workout schedule.

“Okay, so,” Nagisa was saying as he half-jogged to keep up with Rei’s long strides. He looked like he was having the time of his life and not fearing for his untimely and early death. “I know I had it after lunch, of course. And then I had to stop by the teachers' office to drop something off. But then I got hungry again (“ _Again_ , Nagisa-kun? You had just finished eating then!”), so I went to see if there was still stuff left at the cafeteria. There wasn’t anything I wanted, so I just left…”

They were starting to reach a point in the hallways where they had to figure out where to turn next.

“Umm, and then I ran into Taka-chan, and we chatted for a bit. I’m pretty sure I still had it then, but I was kind of trying to shove everything into my bag at the time….” Nagisa’s eyebrows scrunched up, and he stuck out his tongue as he thought. Rei was amazed that Nagisa managed to do so much within the last fifteen minutes of lunch.

“Some other stuff happened too,” he continued, “but I don’t really remember. I know I stopped by the locker rooms before lunchtime was over though!”

“Let’s go then," Rei decided.

"Okay!"

The two of them began jogging quickly to the locker rooms. Rei mindfully kept his pace slow enough so that Nagisa would be able to keep up. Within a few minutes, they had reached their destination. No one else was there yet.

"What were you doing in here?" Rei asked while looking around briefly. His breath was not as short as Nagisa's, so he started to search right away. He peered into their cubbyholes but found nothing out of the ordinary.

"I kind of poked around to look for our time records," the blond replied, face bunching up in concentration. Nagisa looked at the clock hanging on the wall. "We'd better hurry," he said.

Rei started lifting things up from the benches and peering beneath them as Nagisa looked through the cubbyholes again.

He found a piece of loose paper underneath a clipboard and scanned it. "Nagisa-kun!" he called out to his friend, "I found it!"

The shorter boy let out a sigh of relief as he went over and peeked over his arm.

"Yeah! This is it! Thank goodness you found it, Rei-chan!" he beamed proudly at the taller boy. "I thought we'd be goners for sure!"

" _You_ would have been," Rei corrected. "I was never the one who lost the workout sheet in the first place." He waved the paper around.

"Aw, but Rei-chan, you wouldn't have let Gou-chan murder your best friend and co-captain, would you?"

He sniffed slightly. "At the rate you keep losing things, I might've."

Nagisa giggled and nudged him on the arm. "You know you wouldn't have."

Defeated, Rei let out a sigh. "Just what am I supposed to do with you, Nagisa-kun?"

The blond shrugged up one shoulder and beamed at him cheekily. "Marry me," he declared.

Rei's heart stopped. He kept his face neutral. "What?"

Nagisa took the paper carefully smoothed it out. "So you can look after me, of course! Otherwise, I'd just keep getting in trouble, huh?" He stuck his tongue out at Rei and winked.

Rei swallowed. It was clear that Nagisa was only joking, like he always was. "That's impossible," he replied. "I can't marry you."

Nagisa sighed dramatically and frowned. "Yeah, isn't that a shame? You would make an excellent husband though, Rei-chan! If only you didn't nag so much."

He looked away from the shorter boy. "I don't nag too much," he said in a soft voice.

Nagisa's face changed slightly at Rei's tone, but he didn't have time to react properly. Voices outside drew his attention away. "That must be Gou-chan and the others. Let's go, Rei-chan! Before our manager gets suspicious and finds out we had lost the schedule!"

He didn't bother to correct Nagisa on his use of a plural pronoun again.

Rei watched as Nagisa ran out and left him alone in the locker room.

He fixed his glasses and tried to remember how to breathe. Halfway through their conversation, drawing breath had become incredibly difficult and his chest had begun to hurt.

He wished he could have joked as lightheartedly with Nagisa as he had done with him, but Rei knew that was an impossibility. He took in a deep breath and tried to smile for his teammates.

 

* * *

 

It was a peaceful Friday afternoon during the last period of the day that found Rei daydreaming and only half-listening to the lecture that was going on. He was looking forward to the coming weekend and being able to go home after swim practice.

There was still half an hour or so left in class when an office attendant quietly walked into the classroom and interrupted the teacher's lecture. The class's concentration shifted slightly as the two adults spoke.

The surface of the water had been broken.

The teacher nodded as the other person relayed their information. He lifted his head.

"Hazuki-kun," he called out. "Could you please follow Nishikawa-san to the office please?"

Rei turned around and looked at the blond. He raised an eyebrow to ask him if he had done something wrong, but Nagisa was busy responding to the teacher.

"Yes, Sensei." He stood and started walking to the front of the classroom, where the office attendant was waiting. He smiled and stuck his tongue out at Rei as he passed by. He shot the blond a questioning look, but Nagisa only shrugged.

Class resumed after that, but not with the same amount of quiet concentration as before. Rei had also been drawn out of his lull and became acutely aware of the nervous energy which strummed through the room and his fellow classmates like a live wire. Everyone had been triggered into antsy restlessness. He glanced at Nagisa's empty seat a few rows behind him and waited.

Twenty-five minutes came and went, but Nagisa didn't return. It wasn't until five minutes before class ended that the same office attendant returned to speak with the teacher.

This time, the attendant left without the teacher making an announcement for anyone.

Somehow, the last five minutes finally passed, and the teacher dismissed them shortly. They all stood and went through their daily farewell routine, and the class broke out in self-contained chaos.

Rei looked back to Nagisa's desk, where all his things were spread out. He wondered if he should do something about it, but before he reached a decision, a voice broke his train of thought.

"Ryuugazaki-kun."

Rei turned to face the front of the room and saw the teacher beckoning him. He threaded his way through his mingling classmates to the desk.

"Could you please bring Hazuki-kun's things to him? He's still at the office."

He nodded. "Yes, of course."

"Thank you, Ryuugazaki-kun."

As he gathered up Nagisa's mess, he couldn't help but wonder what happened. He hoped the blond hadn't done something so terrible that he had gotten into serious trouble.

Nagisa's notes were covered with scribbles. Rei could see a portion in the margins where it seemed like he had started to take notes, but then his words had transformed into doodles of penguins and butterflies. A half-finished drawing of a dolphin swirled around a scattered bouquet of flowers.

Rei shook his head as he put everything neatly into his backpack.

When he reached the school office, everything was quiet. He walked in to see Nagisa sitting a chair with his head down. A woman, probably someone else who worked in the office, was next to him and quietly talking to him.

Rei neared them and bowed slightly at the woman. "Nagisa-kun, I brought your thi—"

His voice died when the blond looked up with red, tear-filled eyes. He felt his heart get torn apart as Nagisa watched him with miserable eyes. He rushed over to his side.

"Nagisa-kun, what's wrong?" he asked in alarm. He knelt in front of the boy and gently held him by the arms, never minding their backpacks anymore. He was barely aware of the fact that the woman had excused herself politely from them.

With a tremendous effort, Nagisa opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a soundless gasp. Tears began to spill from his eyes freely, and Rei was at such a loss for what to do that he just took out his handkerchief and began wiping them away.

"Okay," he said, swallowing and trying to stay calm. "Take your time. It's alright."

That was apparently not what he should have said, because Nagisa sucked in a deep breath and, with a broken voice he could no longer control the fluctuating volume of, he sobbed, "N-No, it's not!"

He waited patiently until Nagisa could further elaborate.

"M-Mom's in the hospital! They said she got—" he gulped in air when his voice gave out and his breath hitched, "—in an accident while walking back to the office and—"

"Is she okay?" Rei asked, his voice alarmingly calm for how fast his breath and heart was.

"I don't know!" he yelled, sobs wracking his body. Rei hurriedly dabbed at the new tears leaking from the corners of Nagisa’s eyes. "Th-They said she's not awake right now, but…. Dad’s with her, and they've already called my sisters, but I'm—"

Nagisa's usually happy eyes stared at him with what Rei could only describe as pure fright.

His heart chilled, and he squeezed the blond's arm strongly, as if to ground him into reality. Nagisa didn't have to say the words aloud for him to know what he was feeling.

"Do you want to go to the hospital?" he asked firmly, his eyebrows furrowed deeply as he tried to calm Nagisa.

The shorter boy hesitated for a second and then nodded decisively.

"Do you have the address?"

Nagisa opened up one of his hands, which he had kept fisted in his lap. Rei took the paper and smoothed it out. He stood up and picked up both their backpacks.

"Come on, Nagisa-kun," he said, already punching in the address into his phone to search up train schedules and directions online. He also sent a quick text to Gou to tell her that they weren’t going to make it to practice. "Let's go."

Nagisa swallowed hard, nodded, and stood up shakily. When Rei walked out of the office, he followed.

They reached the train station quickly, and Rei made sure to keep encouraging and reassuring Nagisa the whole time. The golden-haired boy hadn’t said anything, which was jarring and borderline disturbing to Rei because, even in his sleep, Nagisa was always talking. Still, he nodded and made tiny noises of agreement whenever Rei told him that things would be alright.

On the train, Rei made Nagisa sit in an empty seat that opened up while he stood in front of him and held onto the overhead handles. His friend simply stared at his lap and fisted his hands tightly as large tears dripped down his face silently.

People on the train looked at the two occasionally but said nothing. Rei wished that he could have sat down as well, because then he would have been able to offer Nagisa his hand, just like he had done for him when Makoto had gone to Tokyo. But now, all he could do was stand there and watch helplessly.

Quietly, Rei gave Nagisa his handkerchief, because it didn’t seem like the blond would be taking his out any time soon. He smiled a little to bolster the shorter boy’s resolution. Nagisa was unable to smile, but he still took his handkerchief and daubed his face with it. A second later, his free hand came forward to pinch the fabric of Rei’s pants tightly.

They couldn’t hold hands for support, so this was the least that they could do. Rei stepped forward slightly so that Nagisa didn’t have to reach so far. More people stared, but Rei ignored all of them. Being able to comfort his friend was his top concern, not what others thought of them.

In the train ride which lasted for about forty-five minutes, Nagisa was able to calm down. The hospital was thankfully close to the station, so it only took them another fifteen minutes to walk to. By that time, Nagisa had turned pale and nervous again. Rei pressed his palm against his to keep him steady, and Nagisa squeezed back tightly.

The two of them went up to the reception desk, where a nurse looked up from her computer.

“Hello,” she said, not making any comment on the fact that Nagisa looked like he had gone through the wash several times. “How may I help you?”

“Um,” he started, glancing nervously at Rei. He swallowed and tried again when he received a nod. “I-I’m…. My name is Hazuki Nagisa, and I was told that my mom was accepted into this hospital a few hours ago….”

The exchange was a short one, and they were able to find out which room Nagisa’s mother was at. Rei thought Nagisa was going to snap his fingers with how hard he was gripping onto them, but he didn’t let go.

They went on the elevator for the right floor and had a painfully silent and tense ride up. With the ping of the elevator, Nagisa’s hand tightened again. Rei led them out and searched for the right room.

They knocked before entering. The first thing Rei saw was the hunched over figure of Nagisa’s father, who was sitting by the hospital bed. Nagisa’s mother was unconscious. Square gauzes were adhered to her face, a long slip of white bandage wound itself around her wrist and disappeared underneath the hem of her hospital gown, and her left leg was in a large cast. An oxygen mask was placed over her nose and mouth and an IV drip slowly administered saline and painkillers to her.

Nagisa’s father turned around when the two of them entered.

The vice-grip on Rei’s hand disappeared as Nagisa let go and sprinted to the side of the bed.

“Mom!” he said in a hushed whisper, careful not to jostle her. “Mom….” Tears began to fall from his eyes again as he gently took her hand.

Nagisa’s father stood up so that the boy could get closer to his mother. He placed a heavy hand on his son’s shoulder but said nothing.

Rei felt out of place and didn’t know what to do. He had wanted to make sure that Nagisa would be able to get to the hospital safely, but now that they had arrived, he didn’t know what to say or what to do.

“Is Mom—Is Mom going to be alright?” Nagisa asked his father urgently.

He looked exhausted and worried, but he still stayed strong for his son. “The doctors say that there shouldn’t be anything wrong. Your mother only got a few bad scratches and broke her leg. It’s lucky she didn’t get a concussion. Right now, she’s only resting. They said she should wake up by tomorrow morning.”

Nagisa hugged his father tightly and cried into his chest. “I was so scared…! I was so scared that Mom was really hurt…!” he sobbed.

“Shhh,” Nagisa’s father soothed and patted him on the back comfortingly. He was blinking rapidly in order not to cry. “It’s alright. Mom is going to be fine.”

Rei looked away awkwardly and tried to stay inconspicuous, but Nagisa’s father had noticed him. He offered him a weak smile.

“Rei-kun, you’re here too.”

“Yes,” he blurted out a little too quickly. “I heard from Nagisa-kun what happened, so I wanted to make sure he could get here. We didn’t have time to buy gifts though, so I apologize for that.” He bowed.

Nagisa’s father laughed slightly. “Nonsense. Don’t you worry about that. You’ve done more than enough for us. I apologize as well for worrying you.”

“Of course not!” he refused the apology immediately. “Nagisa-kun and I were worried about Auntie. I’m… I’m glad to know that she will be alright.

“Yes,” the older man sighed as he continued patting Nagisa. “I am too.”

They all talked for a while and let Nagisa’s father explain what happened. Nagisa’s mother had been crossing the road when a car turned around a tight corner. She had been in the driver’s blind spot, which resulted in the unfortunate accident. However, the car had been exiting a smaller street so it had slowed down considerably, which was lucky for her. To get away with bad scrapes and a broken leg was unfathomably luckier than what could have happened.

Every person in the room knew what _could_ have happened, but no one brought it up.

After about an hour and a half, Nagisa’s father finally decided it was time for the two boys to go home.

“Nagisa, there’s no more that we can do for now except wait, but I think I’ll be staying at a nearby hotel just in case. Your sisters said they’ll be coming back as soon as possible, but there will be no one home tonight. Will you be alright at home by yourself?” he asked.

For a second, Rei glimpsed the same flash of pure fear in Nagisa’s eyes he saw earlier, but it quickly faded away. “I, um…” he said. “Can I stay with you, Dad? I want to be close to Mom too, and I don’t want to be home alone….”

“You can stay over at my place,” Rei suddenly suggested. He shut his mouth tightly when he realized that he had interrupted a private conversation between the two of them, but the look in Nagisa’s eyes had been so painful that he couldn’t hold back. “I-I apologize, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, no,” Nagisa’s father reassured him, “that’s perfectly fine. I don’t want Nagisa to stay out here either, since that would probably worry him more. Would your parents be alright with that though, Rei-kun? We wouldn’t want to intrude on your hospitality.”

Rei managed to smile. “They wouldn’t mind at all. Nagisa-kun always sleeps over anyway.”

“Nagisa? Why don’t you stay with Rei-kun for the weekend then? It’ll be better than staying around here.”

Nagisa breathed in deeply. “Okay,” he said after a second.

“That’s decided then,” his father said. “I’ll call you if anything happens. I’ll be here when visitors’ hours start tomorrow, Nagisa.”

The boy hesitated a little. “Will _you_ be okay by yourself, Dad?”

Nagisa’s father squeezed his shoulder resolutely. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about your old man. And don’t worry about your mother either. We’ll both be alright. Just go home with Rei-kun for now and rest up so that your mother can see your bright smile tomorrow morning, okay?”

Nagisa gave his father a watery smile as a response. “Okay.”

The two boys excused themselves and slowly made their way out of the hospital.

Rei noticed that Nagisa was considerably calmer than he was before, though he was still very quiet. On the trip back, he stood tiredly next to Rei on the train and nearly dozed off a few times. They stopped by the Hazuki household for Nagisa to pick up toiletries and some clothing and then headed to Rei’s home.

While on the train, Rei had already messaged his mother about Nagisa’s situation, so when they entered the apartment, she came out of the kitchen to greet them.

“I’m home,” Rei said, smiling uncertainly and glancing over to Nagisa, who had his duffle bag slung across his chest.

“Please excuse the intrusion,” the blond said, his voice cracking from disuse.

“Welcome home, dear,” Rei’s mother responded, “And you too, Nagisa-kun.”

“Sorry for suddenly coming over, Auntie,” Nagisa said in an uncharacteristically tired and quiet voice.

“Oh,” she said, “We don’t mind at all. You know you always have a home here, Nagisa-kun. Now come in, you two. Wash up a little before dinner, alright? I’m almost done.”

“Okay.” Rei took off his shoes neatly. His mother placed a hand kindly on Nagisa’s arm and smiled at him comfortingly without saying anything. Rei led the two of them to his room while his mother went to finish preparing dinner.

They had a short dinner together with Rei’s parents. Unlike the other nights Nagisa had stayed over, he had not said much. Everyone else talked politely and offered words of condolences, but it was much quieter than usual.

Nagisa’s appetite was alarmingly low as well, so Rei took it upon himself to keep putting food into his bowl until he was sure his friend had eaten more or less his usual amount. It would have done no one any good if Nagisa stopped eating and collapsed from hunger.

When dinner finished, both of them retreated back to Rei’s room. A futon had been prepared for Nagisa and, though it was still very early, both of them were tired and wanted to sleep. Within an hour, both of them had showered and brushed their teeth for bed.

Nagisa took the futon while Rei lay silently in his bed.

The quality of the air was exhausted and tense to the point where Rei felt like he could reach out and grasp it. It had been a long, long day, and, as much as Rei wanted to say something to comfort Nagisa again, no more words came. He had run out of things to say.

He heard Nagisa swallow and sniffle discreetly. The blankets rustled as the sniffling went on.

“Nagisa-kun?” he called out charily, not wanting to startle the blond into pretending nothing was going on. “Are you alright?”

There was no response for a while. Rei thought he wasn’t going to get a response but then, as thin as a spider’s morning web, he heard his friend whisper a reply.

“I’m scared…..”

Rei propped himself up on his elbow and peered into the half-darkness without his glasses, blind either way.

Rei balked at what he wanted to say. In the end, he said it. “Do you… do you want to come up here?”

The sound of rustling and a dark, emerging shape from the floor indicated that Nagisa was getting closer to the bed. Rei held up the edge of his blanket to let the shorter boy slide in. He retracted his arm once Nagisa was underneath the sheets and scooted back so they weren’t too close. Rei wished that Nagisa had brought his pillow up, but it was too late to ask him, so they shared his.

“You okay?” Rei asked again. He couldn’t really make out the blond’s features, but his hair was covering most of his face anyway.

Nagisa shook his head and moved a little closer to him, much to Rei’s growing alarm. However, he didn’t want to offend Nagisa, so he stayed put.

“I’m scared,” Nagisa repeated, this time with his voice thick with emotion. “I…. When they told me, I was so scared. I didn’t know what I would have done if Mom had…. If she had—”

Rei halted for a second before putting his hand a little awkwardly on Nagisa’s back. He rubbed it like he had seen Nagisa’s father do for him earlier, but he wasn’t sure if it was any help. “Shhh, it’s okay,” he said, pressing down the guilt of not knowing whether or not he was lying. “It’s going to be okay, Nagisa-kun.”

“Y’know, I sometimes thought,” Nagisa hiccupped, “about what would happen after Mom and Dad… w-went away but—” He sucked in a deep breath that was impeded by a very stuffy nose. “I’m not—I’m not _ready_ for that. I’m not ready at all.

“I don’t know what I would do if they were gone. I l-love them _so_ much, and I _know_ they’re going to have to go away one day, but I…” he swallowed and tried to steady his breathing with no success. Quiet tears fell from his eyes constantly. “I don’t want them to go,” he gasped in a frightened undertone.

Nagisa was shaking and crying, and Rei didn’t know what to do. He wanted to hold the shorter boy close to him and whisper furious mantras of consolation into his hair; he wanted to take Nagisa’s face in his hands and press their foreheads together; he wanted to show him, somehow, that things _would_ be alright and that, even if they weren’t going to be, he would be right there by Nagisa.

In the end, he drew them together in a half-hug. Rei let him cry for as long as he needed and only let go of Nagisa once to get some tissues from his bedside table.

Nagisa kept talking after that, as if to make up for a day’s worth of silence. He told Rei everything and anything he could remember about his mother, drawing out events from as far back as he could. Nagisa was trying to preserve his memories of her and sear them into his mind, lest he forget. His words were near impossible to understand between his sobs and hiccups, but Rei still listened.

After rubbing Nagisa’s back and brushing his hair from his face for a long time, the shorter boy finally calmed down. His sniffles tapered off slowly.

“Mom used to hold me like this when I was younger, you know,” Nagisa said softly. Rei could hear the slur of pure exhaustion slipping between his words. “I used to have nightmares, so Mom would let me sleep between her and Dad, and she’d just hold me like this…. My sisters used to make fun of me for it, but I know they used to sleep with Mom and Dad when they used to get scared too….”

A long silence followed after that, and Rei thought Nagisa had fallen asleep. But just as he was convinced the shorter boy had dozed off, he spoke up again.

“I’m glad that you were here for me today, Rei-chan,” he said. “If you hadn't been, I probably wouldn’t even have been able to see Mom and Dad at the hospital. I would have been so lost….” His breathing began to even out. “Thank you, Rei-chan….”

He didn’t move away even after Nagisa fell asleep. The blond whimpered softly in his unusually light sleep and squirmed but quickly settled down.

Rei pressed his eyes shut too and tried to ignore the dampness that had collected at the corners of his eyes ever since Nagisa got underneath the sheets with him. His hand had been strong and firm on Nagisa’s back, but his heart had been trembling the entire time.

He didn’t know if he was doing anything correctly, but Nagisa had calmed down and even fallen asleep, so he considered himself having done acceptably well.

But now, with Nagisa sleeping so closely to him, he really didn’t know what he should do next.

There were so many things he wanted to tell Nagisa too, the same way Nagisa had told him. But this was not the time or the place, and Nagisa wasn’t even awake for him to say them. For a moment, Rei thought that, perhaps, this _was_ the perfect time and place to say them, but he refrained.

His heart beat quickly despite its heaviness, and he breathed in deeply. He knew he shouldn’t do this, but he couldn’t help it.

Rei pressed his lips firmly against Nagisa’s forehead and held him.

He wanted to tell Nagisa that people were never ready to lose someone. That, no matter how much they bolstered their hearts and minds, loss was not something people could prepare for.

No one is ready for loss.

No one is ever ready to say goodbye to someone they love.

Nobody.

And least of all, Rei.


	3. At Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/89546904307/ten-paces-from-you-chapter-2).
> 
>  
> 
> **“At night, close your eyes and listen to your breath and heartbeat. Remember the words you wanted to say but never did. Swallow them all and let them out as tears. When the sun begins to rise, fall asleep and try to forget.”**

Nagisa hadn’t woken up throughout the duration of the night. This, Rei knew because _he_ was the one who barely slept.

He kept waking up halfway between blurry consciousness and uneasy slumber because he was so worried for his friend. Every time Nagisa whimpered or neared the edge of wakefulness, Rei rubbed his back and soothed him until he dozed off again.

Sometime between his fifth and his seventh cycle of being pulled out of sleep, Nagisa had started to move closer and closer to him, until his arms and one of his legs were flung around Rei as if he were a body pillow. Alarmed as the taller boy was, he was really too exhausted to do anything about it and, since it seemed to help Nagisa sleep better, he didn’t peel his friend off him.

Morning came restlessly in short and semi-vivid bursts, but only for Rei. For Nagisa, it was a soft and easy transition from darkness to dawn. The curtains of the room were drawn so the soft haze of sunlight the room with the sunrise.

Rei watched Nagisa’s sleeping face closely, both literally and figuratively, as they were almost close enough for their noses to touch. At the very least, the distance cured the problem of Rei’s persistent myopia.

Now, as his friend slept, oblivious of the world and everything around him, he looked beautiful. He would have looked even more so, Rei thought, if his eyebrows weren’t creased and his mouth didn’t curve down so far. Expressions of worry and pain didn’t suit him at all.

Nagisa’s thick eyelashes were rimmed with the salt of his tears, as were the corners of his eyes. Streaks trailed over the bridge of his nose and over his cheeks. As to be expected after crying for so much the day before, his eyes were puffy.

Rei couldn’t stop looking and tried to memorize every part of the shorter boy’s features. The way his eyelashes curled even when weighed down with so much sadness, the delicate curve of his nose and cheeks, the corners of his mouth which dimpled in slightly…. Rei wanted to reach out and trace his fingers and lips over Nagisa’s face. He wanted to very badly.

But he didn’t.

Carefully, he lifted himself up to squint at his bedside clock. It was still early—about seven-thirty in the morning—but his parents were already awake. He could hear them in the kitchen, getting ready for work.

Nagisa’s hand was heavy and warm on his waist. It left a slightly damp and cold spot on him when Rei moved and it slid off. It took a bit more maneuvering to untangle his legs from the shorter boy’s, but he managed to do so without waking him up.

Slowly, Rei extracted himself from the blankets, tucked them back around Nagisa, and crawled over his friend so that he could go outside. He took his glasses from the table and put them on. Nagisa mumbled something under his breath and started tugging at the blankets in the spot where Rei had left a void, as if trying to look for him. He opened and closed the door softly and made his way to the kitchen.

“Good morning,” he said to his parents. They returned the greeting briefly. There was a basket of fruit on the dining table near his father.

“Rei,” the older man called out, “I went out and bought this for Hazuki-san. You’ll be going back to visit her today with Nagisa-kun, aren’t you?”

“Ah, yes. That was my plan. Nagisa-kun is still sleeping though.”

Rei’s mother turned around from her place at the sink and dried her hands on a towel. “Poor dear. Let him sleep a while more then. Was he alright last night?”

Rei didn’t answer immediately. “Yes. He cried, but I managed to keep him calm.”

His mother approached him and tenderly placed her hand on his face. Like she did last night, she smiled without saying anything in her own form of encouragement. Her silent proudness came to him clearly. He smiled back and leaned into her touch. For a split second, Rei was alarmed by how small and frail her palm and fingers felt against his cheek. He reached up to hold his mother’s touch on him, and his palm covered the entirety of her hand. Had she always been so small?

He curled his fingers into hers and swallowed. Nagisa’s words from the night before filtered to him in quiet snippets. Rei squeezed her hand softly and let it go.

“Tell Hazuki-san that we wish her the very best for her recovery. Your father and I can’t visit her today, but tomorrow, we’ll go and see her, alright?”

“Yes, Mother,” he replied.

“Will you have breakfast now?” she asked.

“I think I’ll eat with Nagisa-kun later, when he’s ready to wake up.”

“Okay.”

Rei went over to the refrigerator and filled a bag of ice. He also got a clean hand towel to wrap it in and poured a cup of cool water. “I’m going back for now,” he said to his parents as they continued eating.

His father glanced at his watch. “Sure. We’ll be heading out soon too.”

The boy shifted his weight on his legs, half his body already heading toward his room, but the other half held him back in the kitchen. In the end, he returned to the dining table, placed his items down, and went over to his parents.

In a very rare gesture of physical affection, Rei leaned down and briefly hugged his mother. She was surprised at the contact but quickly molded into it, her arms coming up to circle his broad shoulders. He let go and did the same for his father. Their embrace was a little stiffer but just as fond.

He felt acutely embarrassed after that and found it hard to look up from the table. “Have a good day at work today. Be careful on your way,” he said.

Rei almost missed his mother’s soft smile. “We will,” she responded. “And you too, Rei.”

With a quick nod of acknowledgement, he picked up his supplies again and left the kitchen.

He stopped by the bathroom to dampen a face towel before going back to his room. Nagisa was still sleeping soundly, though it seemed like he was clutching onto the blankets even more fiercely than when Rei had left him.

The glass of water and bag of ice he left on his bedside table but the face towel he hung onto.

He pressed one hand on the mattress behind Nagisa and leaned over him. Nagisa’s back was to him, which made wiping his face a little difficult, but he gingerly swabbed the damp towel over him to clean the tears and sweat which had dried on him. The blond grunted quietly and whined when the wetness left a slight chill, but he relaxed promptly afterward. He seemed more comfortable after being cleaned up.

Rei wiped Nagisa’s forehead again and pushed his bangs back. His eyes lingered on the exposed skin there, and he remembered how boldly he had kissed it last night. He let out a silent sigh and moved away. His friend’s hair fell down again. Rei tucked his blankets back under the shorter boy’s chin and straightened up.

He took up the towel and retreated to the bathroom, so that he could wash up for the morning too.

When he returned to the room, he started to fold up the unused futon and blankets on the floor. Nagisa had left his phone next to his pillow when he crawled into bed with him the night before. He picked it up.

Just at that moment, he heard rustling from the bed and looked up. Nagisa was stirring from his deep sleep. The taller boy watched as he slowly woke up, his actions sluggish and mildly confused. Nagisa hugged the blankets he had twined himself around and breathed in deeply. Then, he rolled over to his back and tilted his head toward the center of the room.

“… Rei-chan?” he asked groggily as he drew in a deep breath. He rubbed his eye slightly.

“Good morning,” the taller boy replied with a small smile.

Nagisa groaned and furrowed his eyebrows, as if too exhausted by the mere thought of having to wake up. Suddenly, he jolted upright.

“My phone—” he said urgently, already shoving the blankets away.

Rei held it up from his kneeling position on the floor. “Don’t worry,” he said. “It’s here.”

He stood up and went over to hand the phone to Nagisa. His friend appeared like he was ready to bolt out of the bed any second. The golden-haired boy took the phone from Rei’s hands with shaking fingers and slid it open. Rei sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Nagisa checked for messages.

Nagisa’s eyes were wide and nervous as he punched buttons on the phone quickly to cycle through the menus. The room was silent with heavy anticipation. After a few seconds of holding his breath, Nagisa fell back on the mattress and sighed in relief.

“Well?” Rei asked with his breath suspended.

Nagisa smiled and held the phone up.

He plucked it from his fingers it and looked at the screen. It was a message from Nagisa’s father.

> _Nagisa, your mother just woke up this morning. She’s doing fine but is a little drowsy from the painkillers. Mom and I aren’t going anywhere, so take your time getting here and don’t bother the Ryuugazaki too much!_

Rei let out a sigh as well. “Thank goodness.”

“Yeah,” Nagisa said, sounding much more relaxed. He reached up and rubbed at his eye a little harder than necessary. He sucked in a huge gulp of air and breathed out.

Rei placed Nagisa's phone on his bedside table and picked up the glass of water.

“Nagisa-kun,” he said, prompting the boy to look at him, “drink some water first. You must be dehydrated from last night.”

“Ah,” he replied, sitting up again. “I guess I am.” Nagisa smiled at him.

Despite the fact that Rei could tell that Nagisa was just acting through his grin—the edges of it were too broken to be genuine and his eyes didn’t sparkle so much as they flickered dimly—he still smiled back. The boy tried so hard to keep upbeat all the time, but Rei wished that he would be more selfish and show his actual feelings to others. He didn't say anything about it though.

The blond downed all of the water in one go and let out a sigh of contentment.

“Much better!” he said. Rei took the glass from him and replaced it on his table.

“It's still relatively early, so we needn't head out right away.” He cradled the bag of ice and towel he had retrieved and held it up for Nagisa. “Your eyes are a little swollen. Would you like to ice them? It'll help with the redness as well.”

This time, when Nagisa laughed, it was genuine. “I told you you'd make a good husband, Rei-chan.”

The taller boy said nothing as he gave Nagisa the items. His friend lay back down and draped the towel over his eyes before dropping the bag of ice on it. He let out a noise of mild discomfort but remained silent afterward.

Neither of them said anything.

Rei didn't know what to do. He wanted to get away from the sudden atmosphere shift which blanketed over them thickly, but at the same time, he wanted to remain close to his friend. Just as he was about to get up and busy himself with the futon again, Nagisa spoke up.

“Sorry for, um, bothering you like this, Rei-chan.” The fingers he had resting on the bag of ice dug into the plastic bag a little harder, making the cubes shift. “I've just never had an experience like this, so I'm not really sure how to deal with it....”

The ice clinked wetly as it slowly melted from Nagisa's warmth.

One of Rei's hand almost came up to run through the shorter boy's curly hair, but he fisted it and kept it in his lap. The other one, he kept pressed against the mattress, close to where Nagisa’s idle arm was lying.

“Nonsense,” he replied softly. “We're friends aren't we?”

Nagisa giggled. “Mmn. Yeah. We are.” The shorter boy lifted the bag and towel from his eyes and peeked at him. They looked a little red again, and Rei thought it was from the coldness of the ice. “Thanks, Rei-chan.”

He smiled minutely.

They stayed in that position—with Rei’s hand and Nagisa's arm just close enough on the bed to feel each other's warmth but not touch—until the shorter boy couldn't stand the chill of the cubes anymore and complained of hunger.

They left the room with the futon and blankets still on the floor and went to the kitchen for breakfast instead. Rei’s parents had gone off to work already, but the fruit basket was still on the table.

“Oh,” Nagisa said, approaching the basket. “Is this for Mom?”

Rei, who was getting eggs from the fridge, looked over his shoulder. “Ah, yes. Mother and Father bought that for Auntie. They said they can’t visit her today, but they’ll go tomorrow.”

A soft smile—a real one—rose to Nagisa’s lips. He touched the edge of the basket carefully. “I’m sure Mom’ll like it!”

 

* * *

 

When they entered the hospital room, Nagisa’s mother was awake and sitting with pillows propping her up. His father was sitting on the other side of the bed, so that he was facing them when they went in. Much like he had the day before, the shorter boy ran up to the edge of the bed to greet her.

“Mom!” he said, very carefully cradling her in his arms.

The older woman laughed gently and patted her son on his back as they hugged. “Good morning, Nagisa,” she said fondly.

He pulled back. “Good morning, Mom!”

And, just as Nagisa’s father had told him to do the previous day, Nagisa let his mother see his bright and energetic smile.

 

* * *

 

For the next two weeks that Nagisa's mother was in the hospital, the two of them went to see her after swim practice every day. That first Friday night was the only day he slept over at Rei’s before he returned home.

After Nagisa's mother was released from the hospital, life went more-or-less back on track. Aside from the fact that Rei was more often at the Hazuki household than Nagisa was at the Ryuugazaki's home, things returned to normal.

However, Rei noticed that, despite expressing his usual energy level and cheerfulness, Nagisa seemed a little more thoughtful and quiet, as if he was always thinking about something. He never pressed his friend about it though, instead letting Nagisa decide when or if he wanted to tell him what the matter was.

It happened on a mild afternoon, after practice had finished and the two of them stayed behind to organize the kickboards and flippers properly. They were sitting on the edge of the pool with their jackets on and feet in the water. The sun was slowly setting and the air getting cool, so Rei knew they had to head back soon.

Nagisa was beside him, thoughtfully quiet the way he had been for the past few weeks since his mother's accident. The atmosphere between them was comfortable and ripe.

It was Nagisa who plucked the fruit of their silence and settled his teeth delicately on its skin.

“You know,” he started off carefully, as if trying to tread on the surface of the water, “I’ve spent a lot of my life always trying to catch up with people.”

Rei watched the ripples in the water splash across his calves as Nagisa continued to kick.

“When I was in elementary school, I wanted to catch up with Haru-chan, Mako-chan, and Rin-chan’s swimming. Being a year younger than them, it was like I was never really as good. I sort of felt like I had reached their level when we all won that relay together back in elementary school. But then they all went away, and I was chasing after them again,” he glanced over to the taller boy with a wan smile. “But when I finally did reach everyone again, we only had two years together to spend. And now they’re gone again.”

The golden-haired boy ceased his splashing and looked up at the sky which was turning bright before getting ready to darken.

“Weird, isn’t it, how much time it took me to catch up, only to be left behind again…” he laughed under his breath and started picking at the hem of his jacket sleeve. “I guess all I ever wanted was someone to keep pace with. ‘Cause, sometimes, I don’t want to just keep chasing.

“But after Mom got hurt, I started to wonder about whether or not all my chasing meant nothing. Maybe I had spent so much time trying to catch up with people that I never had the time to appreciate the people around me.

“I mean, after Haru-chan and the others, I didn't really bother to make many friends. In junior high and stuff, y'know, I just kind of kept waiting for when I could come to Iwatobi. I wasn't really all that close to anyone else, now that I think of it.

“Then I came here, things were different, and Haru-chan and them had changed and.... Well, don't they say that things in the past always seem better than they in the present?” Nagisa looked at his hands thoughtfully. The sun was nearly gone at this point.

“I'm not saying that I feel like the time I spent getting here was wasted or anything because getting to hang out with everyone was super fun and all.... And seeing Rin-chan happy again was really great too! But it's just that....”

Nagisa trailed off and pursed his lips together to let out a tight breath of air out. He leaned his palms against the concrete of the pool deck.

“Anyway!” he said explosively, as if trying to blow away the tenseness of their conversation. “My point is, I think it's about time for me to learn to appreciate the people around me now instead of always worrying about who I have to catch up to in the future! I never know when they’ll go away, after all.”

Rei turned to see the wide grin that his friend was giving him. In the dying light of the day, Nagisa's eyes sparkled. His shoulders were scrunched up in a mildly sheepish manner.

“Thanks for always keeping pace with me, Rei-chan! I'm glad you joined the swim team!”

The taller boy breathed in slowly as he watched as Nagisa’s forced grin melted into something much more gentle and genuine with just a touch of embarrassment. He shifted his gaze away from the blond and looked at the blue-purple sky instead.

“Me too, Nagisa-kun. I'm glad I joined too.”

Nagisa splashed his legs the cold water again. A silence sat between them comfortably.

“Swim season's gonna start soon, huh?” Nagisa noted casually.

Rei paused before answering.

“Yes,” he said simply. The back of his throat burned with a sharp, bitter taste.

Ten minutes later, Nagisa declared that his toes were getting cold and pruney, and they left to go back home.

 

* * *

 

The weather turned humid and blistering after that, the entrance to summer after their spring quarter of school. Just as Nagisa had said, swim season was fast approaching, and the Iwatobi team had to train hard for the first round of regionals.

Ever since the first semi-successful, semi-disastrous “Training Regime from Hell,” they had always returned to the same islands to train.

Their second venture back was a little less pitiful than the first, since they had gathered just enough members to actually raise funds for rooms. Rei wouldn't have minded too much to sleep on the beach again, but it was a little rude to ask the whole swim team to join the four of them on a nostalgia trip.

Their third trip to those islands was with the company of Haruka, who was also on break from university. They had kept in contact even after Haruka had graduated, and with camps and events like this one, he would often stop by for support.

He helped Rei and Nagisa out with watching over the new swim members but still largely left things up to the two co-captains. It was daunting to have to keep responsibility for everyone, but Rei was thankful that Haruka, Nagisa, and Gou were there to help him.

By this year, the team had grown to a respectable number, meaning that there were even more people to watch after. Everyone's swimming level was varied, which made things hard to handle. Somehow or another Haruka, Rei, Nagisa, and Gou managed to keep track of everyone and made sure no one got hurt. They had fun, trained hard, and got mildly sunburned through their trip.

As with all field trips, the swim members stayed up late and all gathered in the hotel's common room at night to chat, play card games, and bond.

Rei had learned to take life a little easier and, rather than scold everyone for staying up late despite knowing they had to wake up early and complete a vigorous exercise schedule the next morning, he joined them in their fun.

As he was from the moment he earnestly joined the swim club back when he was a first-year, Rei was still very easy to tease, so Nagisa took it upon himself to embarrass him whenever he could. Rei didn't mind, because his teammates good-naturedly accepted the jokes, and Nagisa, after three years of near everyday interaction, knew when to stop pushing his luck.

On the last night of their training camp, Haruka, Rei, Nagisa, and Gou entrusted the swim team under Miho's watch before heading out to the beach. Along the way, they met with Aiichirou, who had similarly entrusted his team to their advisor.

They didn't go to the island Haruka, Rei, and Nagisa had been stranded on two years ago but only sat by the shoreline and watched the clear sky. It wasn't like the year before, when all seven of them—Rin and Aiichirou included—of them were still there, but it was enough for them.

The stars were just as stunning as they remembered. The sky was filled with them, but Rei thought that they looked even more beautiful reflected in Nagisa's eyes.

Rei was acutely aware of how many “lasts” they were experiencing together in that trip. The year before had been many “lasts” together with Makoto, but this year was filled with “lasts” with Haruka, Nagisa, and Gou.

This was last time they would go to summer training camp, stay up late with their other teammates and tease each other, and sit on the beach and gaze at the countless stars together. Soon, Rei thought as Nagisa began to hum quietly next to him, it would also be the last time they would be able to be in a swim competition together.

Halfway through Nagisa's on-the-spot song composition, Rei raised his hand and pointed at the sky.

“Isn't that the Rockhopper Penguin Constellation?” he asked.

Nagisa leaned over to him and squinted hard to see which cluster of stars he was referring to. He was so close that Rei could smell the shorter boy's shampoo.

“Where, where?” he chirped gleefully, playing along with the taller boy.

Rei laughed and dug his fingers into the sand instead of wrapping his arms around Nagisa and pulling him against his chest.

 

* * *

 

It was on a particularly blistering Saturday that Nagisa turned eighteen. Rei had spent the entire day with Nagisa and their friends.

They had plans for all-night karaoke as well, but they first stopped by Nagisa’s home to rest. Rei had wanted to give Nagisa his present in private, so he gave it to him just before they went out again. Unseasonal as it was, Rei hoped that it was to Nagisa's tastes.

“Oh! Right now?” the blond asked as he received the gift.

Rei had carefully decorated the box with penguin-print wrapping paper and tied it off with a neat, yellow ribbon. Nagisa was looking at it with shining eyes. Even though he had received presents from people throughout the day, he seemed most excited for Rei's.

“Can I open it?”

“Yes, well...” Rei said while fixing his glasses. “I know you can't use it now, but I thought, maybe….”

While Rei trailed off, Nagisa started carefully peeled off the tape on the back of the package. After a few minutes, the shorter boy was able to neatly unwrap his present. He bounced around slightly as he lifted the lid to the box and peered in excitedly.

Rei held his breath as he watched, his hands nervously pushing up his glasses the entire time.

When Nagisa finally saw what was in the box, he gasped sharply and dropped the lid on his bed. He grabbed the item out of the gift box and held it up excitedly.

“Rei-chan!” he exclaimed. His eyes were shining as he held a cozy-looking hooded jacket up with his hands. “This is beautiful!”

Nagisa turned to look at him with a huge grin on his face. Despite it being the dead of summer, Rei had managed to find a penguin-themed jacket, complete with a hood designed as a penguin’s head.

Without hesitation, Nagisa pulled on the jacket and shoved his arms through the black sleeves. He yanked up the hood as well. A little yellow beak peeked out from the tip of it, casting a slight shadow over Nagisa’s face. His hair curled around his face, framing it neatly.

After he zipped it up to form a white belly on the front, he beamed proudly at Rei. “How do I look?” He stuck his arms out stiffly and waddled in place.

A million adjectives raced through Rei’s mind as he looked at Nagisa, but the only thing he could answer with was, “Adorable.”

The shorter boy laughed and tugged the hood closer to his face, feigning embarrassment. “Aw, Rei-chan! You’re making me blush!”

He wasn’t, but Rei smiled back at him anyway. “If you don’t hurry and take that off, you’ll really start getting red soon!”

Nagisa chuckled and started to unzip the jacket. “This is really great though! Thanks so much for—oh!”

His fingers ran curiously over the hem of the hooded jacket. Nagisa’s name was neatly embroidered there in shiny, golden thread. A dolphin, orca, shark, and butterfly danced around the ending curls of his name in the same colored thread. This time, Nagisa’s surprise was conveyed in the form of a soft, open-mouthed look.

Rei looked away in slight embarrassment at the blond’s honest expression of quiet gratitude. “I… wanted it to be special for you, so….”

The wind was knocked out of him when Nagisa threw himself into his arms and buried his face into Rei’s chest. He hugged back out of habit.

“Thank you, Rei-chan,” he said quietly. His head was bent down just far enough so that Rei could only see the top of Nagisa’s penguin hood.

He could have denied it and insisted that it was no big deal at all, but instead, Rei smiled and patted Nagisa on the back.

“I’m glad you like it.”

 

* * *

 

The two of them didn’t reach the Hazuki household until the early morning hours of the next day. They and their friends had sung, laughed, and drank—though Nagisa only had half a beer, upon the basis that he wasn’t _technically_ of legal age, and Rei didn’t like it when he drank (Rei himself didn’t drink at all)—until the first trains started running again.

It was a long journey back home, and Rei was too exhausted to head back to his own home. Both the Ryuugazaki and Hazuki families knew that Rei would sleep over anyway, so there was no problem.

The only issue was that, once they reached Nagisa’s home, the blond was too sleepy and tired to get Rei the guest futon and simply insisted that they share his bed instead. He slurred out that it would be easier, and that it was only going to be a few hours, so what would it matter? Besides, Nagisa yawned, it wasn’t as if they never slept together before.

After having stayed up for so many hours straight, Rei wasn’t exactly in a position to want to argue with him.

When Nagisa curled under his thin summer blankets and left just enough space for Rei to squeeze into, the taller boy accepted the offer and followed suit. Nagisa was already falling asleep by then.

He opened his eyes blearily and gave Rei a silly smile, drunk on sleep-deprivation and happiness.

“Thanks for hanging out with me all day, Rei-chan. It was a blast….”

Rei smiled back sleepily. He hummed in reply. His vision flickered.

“M’so glad I met you,” Nagisa mumbled. “G’night, Rei-chan.”

Somewhere in the back of his head, Rei wanted to laugh and say that it was six in the morning, and the more appropriate thing to say was “Good morning,” but his brain wasn’t functioning, and he was too lazy to say so many words at the moment. Aside from that, Nagisa had already begun snoring softly, so the point would have been lost.

Rei pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes.

“… Nagisa,” he said, finally brave and tired enough to say his best friend’s name without a suffix, “Happy birthday.”

He meant to back away afterwards, but before he could, Rei had fallen asleep with a smile on his face.


	4. Somewhere Along the Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/89625513082/ten-paces-from-you-chapter-3).
> 
> **“What did I do to deserve such kindness? Somewhere along the way, you must have mistaken me with someone else.”**

 

Swim season approached quickly, and it was through sheer willpower and incredible time-management skills that Rei was capable of continuing to be the swim club as co-captain, participate in competitions, and attend cram school for the duration of his second and third years in high school.

It was difficult for him to deal with all those stresses, but with the only other option being to quit the swim club and focus on studying for entrance exams, he stubbornly clung onto all his responsibilities instead.

His parents had warned him against doing so much, but Rei was adamant.

He knew that he had far too much on his plate. Juggling cram school hours to fit in the optimal amount of swimming practice and time to do his regular schoolwork was taxing on his physical and mental health. The anxiety of his uncertain future and other worries weighed down on him until his carefully measured hours reserved for sleep were disrupted by thoughts of insecurity, fear, and regret.

But when the Iwatobi swim team was able to advance from the prefectural competitions to a regional level, Rei felt that all his sleepless nights, stress, and suffering had been worth it. Their team members had managed to place in a few individual events, and Rei and Nagisa’s new relay team had won second against all the other schools they competed against.

Nagisa had gotten very emotional at the end of the meet, since he knew it would be their final one together. It was lucky that Rei and Nagisa even had the chance to swim again with Haruka and Makoto the year before—because the two of them had decided to deal with the stress of studying for entrance exams on top dealing with club responsibilities, much like Rei was currently doing—but this time would truly be the last.

All the swim team members, who had grown fond of the blond because of his infectious and overflowing energy, became equally emotional. Rei, through his own film of tears, wondered if the officials at the meet had ever really seen an _entire_ high school team’s worth of crying swimmers.

It was only second place, but Rei reckoned it was as important to Nagisa as the first-place trophy Haruka, Makoto, Rin, and Nagisa had won back when they were younger. At least, to him, it was a very precious thing.

The other two members of their relay team—both second-years—said that Rei and Nagisa should take the trophy. Rei suggested that Nagisa keep it, but the shorter boy had insisted that “It’d be better if Rei-chan took it! It’d look really nice with your other trophies, and I can go over to your place to look at it whenever! Besides that, I’d probably end up losing it.”

As Rei held onto the silver trophy tightly and tried to laugh through the tears that really were falling from his eyes then, a soft voice in the back of his mind pointed out that it was all a lie. Nagisa knew that after this year, he wouldn’t so easily be able to see Rei. He would never lose something so important either.

But for whatever reasons Nagisa wanted him to be in possession of the trophy, Rei accepted them and promised to take good care of it.

Back at home, he cleared out a level on his bookshelf especially to display it. Along with the proud trophy which was proudly emblazoned with their names on the golden plate, Rei had arranged his other swimming medals on the same shelf as well. By his achievements were photographs of him with the Iwatobi swim team from his first, second, and current year of swimming.

Among the number of neat frames, the amount of pictures which featured Rei and Nagisa in them was overwhelmingly higher than pictures of Rei with anyone else.

But of course, that was to be expected, since Nagisa was always hanging around, on, or off of Rei.

Pictures of them laughing together, of him scolding Nagisa, of them asleep and leaning on each other, of Nagisa running away from him, of close ups and of _too_ -close ups, of quiet moments and loud ones; ones in the morning or afternoon and sometimes night, ones that Nagisa took, and ones that Rei took; small pictures, larger ones, and photobooth stickers (which Gou dragged them off to on the weekends sometimes)—overflowed the shelf which Rei allotted them.

Each time Rei dusted off his photographs and medals, he fondly recalled all the good times that he was able to share with his friend. A smile always rose up to his lips without his bidding as he carefully picked up each frame and wiped it off.

Even if he could never return to those times again, he still treasured every second that had passed.

 

* * *

 

After swimming season completed, Rei and Nagisa stepped down as co-captains, and Rei quit the club completely. He could no longer afford to split his time between practices and studying for entrance exams so, despite the fact that he would no longer be able to spend nearly as much time with Nagisa, he really had no choice left. Nagisa stayed behind in the club, as did Gou.

Nagisa knew when Rei returned from cram school, so he always stopped by his house then. He had declared that it was to “make sure Rei-chan took enough breaks and doesn’t study himself to death!” but whatever the reason was, Rei was grateful that his friend cared enough about him to check up on him all the time.

The shorter boy was right though. If not for his Nagisa-induced, mandatory breaks, Rei had the potential to study himself to the point of collapsing. Though he had strict eating, sleeping, and exercising regimes, he was constantly in a state of mental instability, due to how stressed out he was.

Sometimes, Nagisa forcibly dragged him out of his room to take walks around the town, watch movies, or have lunch. Other times, he simply flopped down on his bed and talked his ear off, until Rei was left with no choice but to put his study materials down and listen. Without Nagisa, who always knew exactly when Rei needed to take it easy and when to hold an intervention on his studying, Rei would have undoubtedly suffered multiple mental breakdowns already.

For Rei, who no longer had free time, his friend constantly _making_ time for him was a true blessing. Nagisa was not attending cram school, unlike Rei. It wasn’t to say that he wasn’t studying for entrance exams, but he had no interest in aiming as high as Rei was. He was content with entering a local university, just as Haruka had after he graduated from Iwatobi High.

Nagisa had asked once, why he didn’t aim to go into Tokyo University and was settling for other schools like Waseda and Keio, but Rei had only smiled lightly and said that he didn’t think he was good enough to pass their exam. Nagisa declared that statement nonsense and that, “If it’s Rei-chan, then it’d definitely be possible to pass it!”

It wasn’t as if Rei hadn’t wanted to enter Tokyo University, but if he did want to try for it, he would have had to start attending cram school from his first year in high school, maybe even earlier than that. Seeing that he hadn’t, he already had a late start. Aside from that, aiming for such a prestigious school would have meant that he would have absolutely no time for Nagisa at all.

Rei didn’t know if his decision to give up on Tokyo University was a stupid one, but he was grateful for every extra hour he could spend by his friend’s side.

After all, try as they might in the future, once their high school years passed, they would never be able to return to how things were.

 

* * *

 

Rei studied until the days grew shorter and the cold started to settle in, shivering in chilly delight at the changing season.

Everyone became an anonymity for the scarves and face masks which guarded lips and noses from the scolding wind.

The food Nagisa hounded Rei to buy for him evolved from ice cream and soda floats to roasted yams and hot chocolate. Between the bright leaves that Gou pressed between the pages of their textbooks and wisps of their breaths which hung in the air, Rei studied on. The number of his mock exams increased proportionately with the dropping of the temperature. Although his test scores continued to be high, Rei did not relent on his studying.

The closer the end of the year came, the more stressed out he became. Soon, it would not just be the mock exams he would take, but the actual tests which would decide his fate.

And so continued the repeating days which seemed to be frozen by the morning frost.

 

* * *

 

“Rei-chan, what’s up?” Nagisa peered at him while leaning forward.

The creases between Rei’s eyebrows smoothed out briefly.

“Ah, I apologize. I was just thinking about next week.”

“Hm?”

“We get our results back from our last mock exam, and I was aiming to improve by another ten points by that time. Unfortunately, I have yet to master the usage of the formulae that were introduced in chapter seven and...”

“Aaah!” Nagisa covered his ears and shook his head furiously.

The taller boy stared and stopped speaking.

“Man, am I sorry I asked,” Nagisa said with a small smile. He lowered his hands and used one to clap him on the shoulder. “C’mon, Rei-chan! Stop worrying about it. Like Gou-chan keeps saying, ‘It’s already done and passed, and there’s nothing you can do about it,’ right?”

“I-I suppose, but...”

The shorter boy shook his head. “No buts! Just calm down. You’ve got it. And besides, you have better things to worry about.”

Since they had started walking to the station, Rei smiled for the first time. “Like you, for example?”

“Hmmm, I wonder!” the golden-haired boy laughed, and his eyes glittered with the promise of mischief.

 

* * *

 

A week and two days passed, and it was Sunday, the day before Rei’s dreaded test results came back. It was a day off for him, but he still planned to get some studying in. As usual, Rei woke up early to get a head-start on the day. His parents had the day off too, so he had a brief breakfast with them before returning to his room to work.

He got as far as taking out his books and opening to the right page when the doorbell rang. His mother’s voice floated up to his room. “Rei, could you get the door, please?”

He marked his book. “Yes!”

He quickly swapped out of his house slippers and tip-toed into a pair of his shoes. After unlocking it, he opened the door.

Rei stared, dumbfounded, at the person standing outside the apartment.

“... Haruka-senpai?”

The dark-haired boy looked at him with a calm and even gaze. His nose was a little red from the cold, but he was very warmly dressed. “Hey,” he said.

Unable to help himself, Rei furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Before he could ask further about his sudden appearance, a head of red hair popped out from behind Haruka.

“Gou-san?” he blurted out in surprise. The redhead smiled at him widely.

Not a second later, a very familiar mop of blond curls peeked out from the other side of Haruka’s shoulder. In the far back, Aiichirou stood on his tip-toes to see over everyone’s heads.

“Nagisa-kun, Aiichirou-kun, you too?” he exclaimed. “What are you all doing here this early in the morning?”

“See, I _told_ you he forgot!” Nagisa said in a matter-of-factly voice to the other three.

“It wasn’t that we didn’t believe you, Nagisa-kun,” Aiichirou smiled.

Rei felt a little peeved at the lack of forthcoming answers. “Forgot what?”

“Your birthday, of course!” Gou replied with a giggle. She held up a large, rectangular package that was neatly wrapped with pretty paper. Nagisa paraded behind her with another box. Although Aiichirou held nothing, he flashed Rei a supportive smile.

At the helm of their four-person train, Haruka said, “Happy birthday, Rei.” In contrast with the two personalities behind him, who were positively boiling over with excitement, Haruka was an odd leader.

Rei stared. “My what?”

“Like I said, he _totally_ forgot. Well, it _is_ a day early, but still! Hey, can we come in now?” the blond said, carefully nudging Gou’s back.

“I...?” Rei looked down at his watch and checked the date. December 13th. His mouth parted slightly in surprise. “Oh.”

But before he could collect himself, Nagisa had begun pushing both Gou and Haruka forward, forcing Rei to step back and let them in.

“Please excuse the intrusion!” Gou and Nagisa called out, while Haruka and Aiichirou said it quietly.

“Ah, Auntie, here’s the cake!” Gou said while putting on slippers.

Rei turned around to see his mother at the end of the hallway, peering out from the kitchen. She was wearing a soft smile. “Mother? You knew?”

“Of course, darling. Though this was Nagisa-kun’s idea.” She thanked Gou as she received the box she handed her.

Rei didn’t know what he expected. Nagisa was already halfway in the house, as familiar with the Ryuugazaki household as well as his own.

“Haru-chan was the one who made the cake, but we planned everything else together!” Nagisa grinned.

Rei was still in a state of mild shock and disbelief, so he merely listened to the words without properly interpreting them.

“I... Th-Thank you. Everyone, thank you....”

His friends gave him smiles in return and pretended not to notice how his voice cracked and the tip of his nose turned a little red.

“Well,” Gou said with a smart clap, “should we get started then?”

“Yes!” Rei smiled and laughed.

Since Rei was not one who enjoyed large gatherings with too many people, the five of them chose to stay in Rei’s room. Nagisa had come supplied with some of Rei’s favorite card and board games and some movies they had meant to watch but never had time to. All of these things, he unloaded from his backpack and onto Rei’s bed, much to his displeasure.

“Nagisa-kun, it’s one thing for you to lie down on it all the time, but to simply unpack everything onto my bed is a little….”

“Rei-chan, don’t mind the details! Anyway, where’s your laptop?”

He furrowed his brow in offense, but it quickly turned into confusion.

“My laptop…? What do you need it for?”

The blond shot looks at the others in the room, as if conveying a secret message. He looked back at Rei and shrugged. “I just want to use it for a second.”

There was no way in hell Rei was going to believe that, but he went and got his laptop. Nagisa got him to unlock it and, within seconds of it booting up, he logged onto an instant messenger and started a call.

“Nagisa-kun, seriously, what on earth...” Rei started to ask, but it appeared that no one in the room would be willing to tell him anything.

Shortly after the call began ringing, one person picked up, and their picture connected. A moment later, a second person picked up.

“Makoto-senpai! Rin-san?”

Makoto, still being in Japan, waved at them from a well-lit room—his single apartment near his campus. Rin, on the other end of the world, grumpily raised a hand from a darkened room.

“Happy birthday, Rei,” Makoto’s warm voice crackled through.

“Good wishes and whatever.” Rin’s congratulations was much terser, but, even through the pixellation of his image, he was fooling no one with his half-smirk, which he tried so hard to conceal.

Rei laughed again, completely overtaken by the fact that all of his close friends were, in some form or another, all together just for him.

“Thank you,” he stammered again, feeling a little weak in the knees.

“Aw, see, we made the birthday boy cry!” Rin laughed.

“Rin-senpai!”

But Rei shook his head and wiped the corners of his eyes beneath his glasses. “No, it’s okay. I’m just—I’m really happy. Really, thank you so much.”

Aiichirou, Gou, and Nagisa smiled and gave each other victory signs while Rei recomposed himself.

“Well, while we’re all here, why don’t you open up your gift, Rei-chan?” Nagisa stepped up and carefully held out the same, wrapped package he was holding onto before. “It’s from all of us.”

“Thank you very much.” Rei took it gingerly from Nagisa. He could tell that it was a book just from holding it, but he wasn’t sure what type. It wasn’t exactly a textbook, but it reminded him of an illustration book. He looked around. “Is it alright? May I open it?”

Everyone nodded.

Very carefully, Rei started to unwrap the paper on his gift. The entire room waited as Rei worked, making sure not to tear or crease the paper.

“Oh my god, can you open that thing any slower?” Rin’s voice floated from Rei’s laptop.

“ _Excuse_ me, Rin-san, but opening presents in an appreciative manner is very important for the sake of showing how grateful one is to the givers of their gif—”

“Oh, for crying out loud, someone take that from him and open it for h—”

“Now, now, Rin, just calm down. He’ll be fine.”

“I swear to god though, if he doesn’t just—”

Rin and Makoto’s voices started to overlap as they bargained and argued back and forth with no clear conclusion. Aiichirou and Gou got involved in trying to calm the irate redhead while Nagisa quietly snuck up on Rei, who was equally enthusiastic on protecting his standpoint.

Softly, Nagisa poked Rei in the side, startling him and making him let out a small scream, which he quickly stifled. No one noticed, except maybe Haruka, who didn’t say anything.

“Rei-chan, Rei-chan! C’mon, let’s open your gift already!” His eyes were shining with anticipation.

“But…” Rei looked around to the chaos that was going on in his room.

Somewhere down the line, Makoto had switched from calming Rin down to holding a quiet side-conversation with Haruka, who sat just within the range of the webcam. Aiichirou was laughing at Rin, who was trying hard to convince Gou not to shut off his camera because he had caused such a ruckus. Turning his gaze back, he realized that it was really only Nagisa who was paying any attention to him.

“It’s okay. Quick, while they’re all distracted!” the shorter boy laughed.

“I don’t really think that’s how things work,” Rei started with a half-smile, “but alright.”

Nagisa giggled softly and shuffled closer, apparently very pleased that they were secretly unwrapping the gift without anyone noticing.

Little by little, Rei was able to reveal a bound book.  It appeared to be a hand-made scrapbook. The cover was decorated with tiny stars, hearts, marine animals, and the occasional butterfly. There was a single picture in the middle of the book, which was framed by swirls.

Foam letters, clearly traced and cut by careful hands, curled around the photograph and congratulated him with a “Happy 18th Birthday Rei-chan!”

Rei’s eyes began to sting, and the back of his throat started to hurt.

It was a picture that they all took after the first prefectural competition they partook in. Amanakata-sensei, Couch Sasabe, Seijuurou,  Aiichirou, Rin, Gou, Haruka, Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei had all crowded together to take a single, commemorative picture. They were all laughing and smiling—except for Haruka, who was smiling in his heart.

Rei still remembered how he felt after that, despite ultimately not having been able to swim. Finally being able to stand there with everyone and knowing that everything would be alright—despite the bumps in the road they would eventually encounter—was a beautiful feeling.

Quietly, Rei pressed the cover of the book against his forehead and breathed in shakily.

“Open it, Rei-chan,” his friend encouraged softly.

He leaned back and nodded once, not feeling stable enough to look at Nagisa yet.

The first page he opened up was covered with words and cut-outs of photographs. It was a scrapbook manga, in which bubbles lead out from everyone’s pictures.

“Happy birthday, Rei. I’m so glad that we were able to become friends. From now on, please also…”

“Rei, always remember to dive in with your heart.”

“Even if you won’t ever beat me in butterfly, don’t even think about giving up. If you do, I’ll make sure that that Nagisa will….”

“Rei-kun, happy birthday! Don’t mind what Onii-san says! He’s just being silly again. Oh, by the way! I’m really happy…”

“Rei-kun, I’m glad that we were able to hang out more this year! After this, we’ll be going out separate ways but…”

“REI-CHAN, HAPPYYYYY BIRTHDAYYYY~~~~!!! Don’t ever, EVER, EEEEVERRR forget us, okay??? I’m going to be sooo sad if you do, so you’d BETTER not!!!! After this, I’ll make sure that we’ll always be friends! Best friends! FRIENDS FOREVER! You can’t hide, Rei-chan~! So…”

Before his tears could ruin the book, Rei wiped them away.

It was just the first page, but as he continued to flip through them, message upon picture and decoration greeted him. Some of the photos he recognized, but others must have been taken without him knowing.

“Remember this? This was when we went to the barbeque and…”

“TRAINING CAMP FROM HELL ON A DESERTED ISLAND!”

“The first time you were able to swim freestyle after Haruka-senpai taught you (again)!”

“What were you teaching Aiichirou here? He looks so concentrated…”

“Onii-san was really angry you drew on his face!!”

At the very end were pages that were decorated and arranged individually by his friends. The pages were all different colors, and it was very clear who did what because of the pure amount of personality which came from them. Rei was amazed to find out that he had so many pictures of himself taken with everyone. He couldn’t remember when he had grown so close to his friends.

“Ah! Rei-kun, you opened the present without us!” Aiichirou exclaimed suddenly, and all the chaos around them settled down.

Gou turned around and gasped. “Nagisa-kun, you made him do it, didn’t you? How unfair!” she reached over and started smacking the boy on the arm.

“Is he looking at it? Or is he peeling the tape off the wrapping paper now. “

“Rin, be nice.”

“We tried really hard to finish this on time,” Gou said. Then she crossed her arms and sighed heavily. “Except _some_ body kept taking forever to send his page over, so that was pretty disastrous!”

From the computer screen, Rin let out a loud complaint, but everyone simply laughed.

“This was Nagisa-kun’s idea. He said you would like to be able to look back on all our memories together.” Aiichirou smiled.

Silently, Haruka handed him a tissue and nodded.

Rei accepted it without words, started at it, and then burst out laughing through his tears.

“Aw, Rei-chan!”  Nagisa threw himself onto the boy.

After three years of having to deal with the same thing, Rei automatically accepted Nagisa’s embrace. Aiichirou and Gou joined in on the hug after glancing at each other, and even Haruka placed a hand on his free shoulder.

He laughed until he was crying again, and there was nothing he could do to stop the tears. His heart felt so full of love and affection for everyone, it hurt. To think that they would be willing to go so far as to create such a beautiful book for him was unbelievable.

Rei didn’t know what he had done to deserve such love and kindness.

“Gross, look at them all. Can you believe it?”

“ _Rin_.”

He did his best to hug everyone back. Rei didn’t think he would ever be able to ask for a better birthday with everyone.


	5. All Along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/89721394187/ten-paces-from-you-chapter-4).
> 
>  
> 
> **“Maybe it’s okay if I forget. Perhaps that’s what I meant to do all along.”**

“… You will have sixty minutes to complete the first section. After time is declared, please put down your pencils. After you have done so…”

Rei swallowed and looked around the huge room again, where hundreds of other hopeful test-takers were sitting with identical packets in front of them. Everyone was positively vibrating with nervous energy and anxiety.

Even though the snow was piled up high outside, now that he was sitting in the examination room, it was too hot. He had already taken off his scarf, outer coats, and sweaters, but Rei still felt like he was wearing too much. Rei wiped his hands on his pants and tried to keep them from shaking too much.

This was it, the first day of the National Center Test—the set of first tests that would determine whether or not he would be able to enter university next year. If he could score high enough here, then it would mean that he’d be one step closer to being able to enter his top-choice school.

Two years of intense studying has led to this—the first hurdle of what would continue to be a very stressful journey.

Nagisa and Gou were somewhere in the room as well, probably just as nervous as he was.

He stared down at the page, reading the familiar instructions. He had been facing the same instructions on his mock exams for the past few months. This was nothing special or unexpected. Rei knew exactly how the test was going to be formatted and administered. A calm settled over him.

He could do this.

He would be fine.

“Please open your packets at this time.”

Rei was going to be alright.

 

* * *

 

By the time the tests were over with, it was late in the day.

The three of them had met up outside of the testing area, feeling strung up and tense. Other people were milling around them, all either engaged in loud conversation—amplified by anxiety—or as quiet as they were. Even Nagisa, who usually was in charge of keeping the mood light, was finding it hard to be upbeat.

They stood together for about thirty seconds in silence before Nagisa finally cracked a smile.

“Well! At least the first day’s done!” he said. Nagisa planted his fists on his hips and nodded decisively.

Rei and Gou replied to the statement with small smiles of their own, though the words only served to intensify their fears further. One day of testing was hard enough, but they’d have to return again tomorrow for even more. Still, they tried to bolster their strength.

“Yeah, it is! Now we just have to rest up and do our best tomorrow too, right?” Gou added. Her breath came out in thin wisps in the cold, January air.

Although he nodded, Rei felt sluggish and tired. The test packets he had carefully put into his bag seemed a million times too heavy for how many pages they actually were. It was hard to believe that his future was invested between those sheets. He pressed a hand over the outside of his bag tentatively and looked up.

“Should we head back for now then?”

His friends nodded, and they made their way through the cold streets to the train station.

 

* * *

 

“Rei-chan, you alright?”

At the sound of Nagisa’s voice, Rei glanced up from his desk. He had opened up his test packets and was going over them again and again, as if that would change anything. The answers he had scrawled onto the pages stared up at him, neat rows of characters which grew increasingly erratic the deeper into the packet he went.

He shut the booklet and pushed it away from himself. Rei turned around and tried to smile.

“Yes. Yes, I’m fine.”

Nagisa’s hand slid from the doorframe until it hung limply at his side.

Both of them had been tense, ever since they saw Gou off. Rei’s house was closer to the school, so they decided it would be more convenient if the shorter boy stayed the night.

“You’re still worried about today’s tests?” Nagisa asked cautiously.

Rei looked at him and maintained eye contact until he had to look away. He peeked at his packets and sighed. There was no use in lying to Nagisa.

“Yes.”

His friend crossed his arms and pouted. “Jeez, Rei-chan, I already told you this before, right?” He pointed up at the ceiling and waved his finger around with conviction. “As Gou-chan keeps saying, ‘It’s already done and passed, and there’s nothing you can do about it!’”

Rei cracked a smile. “Was that supposed to be an imitation of her?”

His expression blanked. “What? Wasn’t that spot-on? I totally thought it was!” Nagisa looked offended.

The taller boy laughed despite himself. “It’s true that Gou-san says that. And she’s right. We still have another day of testing to go through tomorrow, so there’s no point in dwelling on it now.” He paused. Then he took in a deep breath. “I’ve basically done all the studying that can be done, so maybe it’s better if we just went to sleep early today, so we’re well-rested for tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Nagisa said. He hovered around the doorway. “Should I turn off the lights?”

Rei stood up and shook his head. “No,” he replied. “I still need to brush my teeth. I’ll leave the desk light on for now and turn it off when I come back.”

“’kay.”

Nagisa stepped into the room quietly. The low, glass table in the center of the room had been moved to one side, and a guest futon had been laid out for him. He pushed the blankets aside with his foot and crouched down. Quickly, he shuffled under the thick comforter and pulled it up to his chin.

Rei waited until Nagisa had settled in comfortably before flicking off the light switch. “Good night, Nagisa-kun.”

“G’night, Rei-chan.”

The blond stuck out half of his hand over the hem of the sheets to wave at him, and Rei smiled again before stepping out.

When he returned, Nagisa had turned to his side with his back facing Rei’s bed. He wasn’t sure if his friend was asleep or not yet, but he still made his way quietly to his desk and swithced off the light. He took off his glasses, set them neatly on his nightstand, and slipped into his own bed. His blankets were cold, and he hoped that they would warm up quickly. He had just finished shifting into a better sleeping position when he heard Nagisa roll around in his futon.

Rei stilled, hoping that he hadn’t disturbed Nagisa somehow.

“… Hey, Rei-chan?”

He waited for a brief second before answering. “Yes?”

“You’re gonna be alright tomorrow, okay?”

“… Yes.”

“If it’s Rei-chan, then you’ll definitely be able to do it, got it?”

“… Yes.”

“G’night, Rei-chan.”

“Good night, Nagisa-kun.”

There was more rustling from the floor, and then Nagisa went silent.

After about thirty seconds, Rei finally spoke up again.

“Thank you.”

But there was no response to that. Either Nagisa had fallen asleep, or he had chosen to acknowledge Rei’s gratitude in silence.

 

* * *

 

Two days later, Rei and Nagisa were sitting in the dining room of the Ryuugazaki household with bleary eyes, worriedly waiting for the morning newspaper to arrive. They had sorted out their test packets and had calculators and red pens next to them, ready to add up their scores and decide their own fate.

Rei kept glancing at the clock on the kitchen wall and his watch, as doing so would make time go faster. Nagisa, who was usually bouncing off the walls after about five minutes of sitting still, was started to get fidgety and kept picking at the corners of his tests with his fingers.

“D’you think maybe the snow’s delayed the pape—”

Just as Nagisa was starting to say this, the mail slot on the front door clacked open and closed, and both of them rushed to door. With shaking fingers, Rei picked up the newspaper from the floor, turning around with a pale face to look at the shorter boy.

Nagisa stepped back toward the dining room. “C’mon.”

Nothing but the rustling of newsprint paper and the sound of pens scribbling on paper filled the room for a long time after that, as the two of them carefully checked and double-checked their scores. Rei made disapproving noises under his breath every time he marked something wrong, but Nagisa was tensely silent the entire time.

Nagisa’s hands shook harder and harder as he counted up his tallies. Then, he sucked in a deep breath and counted them again. He jotted down a number and threw down his pen. At that very moment, Rei finished calculating his score too and underlined his number several times, his breath tight in his chest.

They both looked up at the same time and yelled.

“I passed!” “I did it!”

For a stunned second, both Rei and Nagisa stared at each other, and then the shorter boy began to laugh raucously.

“We did it!” he cheered loudly, standing up and grabbing Rei by the wrists with his clammy and sweaty hands, which were still trembling from adrenaline and fear. “Rei-chan, we did it! We did it!”

Relief flooded Rei as he was pulled up. He had no energy to jump and bounce around like Nagisa, but he did smile widely at his friend. The blond’s eyes were shining with joy and pride.

“I need to tell Mother and Father,” Rei said suddenly, after he realized he had been staring too long. He pulled away gently and headed toward his parents’ bedroom.

A flash of surprise passed Nagisa’s face. “Me too!” he exclaimed. He took out his cell phone and began to punch in numbers.

By the time Rei had reached the end of the hallway, he could already hear Nagisa talking excitedly on the phone.

He wasn’t sure if his parents were awake yet—since it was technically too early for them to be up—but he didn’t have to worry, because their loud yelling had woken them already. His mother and father were sitting up when he knocked and entered.

“Rei? How was it?” his mother asked.

He paused for a second, and then he adjusted his glasses and let the smile on his face widen.

“I passed.”

“Oh!” She was immediately out of bed and walking toward him. “You did it! I’m so proud of you!”

Rei leaned down to let her embrace him warmly. “W-Well,” he modestly started, “this is only the first set of tests. I’ll still have to take the university’s exam and interviews if they take my scores, so it’s not as if I’m already accepted. Besides, I’m not the first one in this family to have done well on the entrance exams.”

But his mother wouldn’t hear of it and kept patting him proudly on the shoulder. “Never mind that, Rei. What your brother did is his story, and this is yours! We’re just as proud of you as we are of him.”

His father also went up to him and clapped him soundly on the back. “As long as you understand that this isn’t the end, that’s fine. But you’ve done well, Rei.”

He started fixing his glasses nervously, feeling acutely embarrassed and happy at the praise he was getting.

“Speaking of which, we should tell your brother,” his mother said. She glanced at the clock on their nightstand. She smiled wryly. “But maybe not right now.”

“I apologize for waking you up so early. We were a little excited about the results and—”

“Nonsense!” his mother exclaimed. “Now let’s make you and Nagisa-kun a delicious celebratory breakfast, shall we?”

“Rei-chan! Gou-chan and Ai-chan passed too! I just called them!”

“Yes,” Rei replied, smiling at Nagisa’s voice. “Perhaps before Nagisa-kun ends up calling the entirety of Iwatobi about our scores.”

 

* * *

 

The coldest month of winter crept up upon them steadily, slipping by quickly soon after the entrance exams had finished. Aiichirou, Gou, and Nagisa had already received their confirmation packets from their choice universities, but Rei still needed to prepare for a second round of testing before he knew whether he would be accepted or not.

Valentine’s Day snuck upon them amidst the snowfall and exam preparations Rei was going through, although it technically fell on a Sunday. The Friday before then, the girls at Iwatobi could be seen grouped up in the hallways, trying to muster up the courage to hand out their chocolates.

Gou had given Rei and Nagisa their chocolate early in the day, and from then, they had readily accumulated more and more from their classmates and other students from the school. By the time it was lunchtime, both of them had a small mountain’s worth of sweets in their possession. Their popularity had grown steadily since their first year in high school.

Nagisa was humming happily as he went through and sorted everything, carefully reading the notes that some girls had included with their gift. Rei absently watched as the shorter boy smiled before slowly eating the chocolates one by one. He made great care to enjoy each one appreciatively.

“Oh,” he said suddenly, halfway through a letter in his hands.

Rei stopped eating his lunch—he would start on his own sweets after he had properly eaten—and looked over to him. “What’s the matter?”

“Mmn….” He tilted his head and licked the corner of his mouth, where some chocolate dust had stuck onto. He glanced up and smiled apologetically to Rei. “I might be a little busy after school today, so you can go home first if you’d like!”

“Ah, I see.” He resumed eating. Then, Rei asked, “Do you think you’ll accept this time?”

The blond ran his finger across the edge of the page with a thoughtful look on his face. He breathed in slowly and mulled over the question.

“No,” he started softly. “I don’t think so.” Nagisa carefully folded up the letter and replaced it in the decorated envelope that it came with.

The taller boy glanced up. “You haven’t accepted a single confession ever since you started getting them, Nagisa-kun.”

“Yeah, well,” he said, putting away his stash of sweets and finally opening up his lunch. “I told you, right? I don’t really think I’m ready for that kind of stuff. Besides, isn’t it weird to go out with a girl I don’t really know?”

Rei looked to the side. “That’s not entirely fair to say, since you never make the effort to interact with them. Aside from Gou-san and me, you hardly spend much time with anyone else in school.” He paused and slowly gathered up pieces of rice into a corner of his lunch box. “You can always get to know them more beforehand and then go out with them.”

“Hmmm.”

Nagisa chewed on his bread quietly, and Rei continued picking at the sides of his lunch box for food remains.

They have had versions of this conversation before, near the end of their first year, when girls started confessing to them.

“I like hanging out with you and Gou-chan, though. It’s fun, and you guys are my best friends.” Nagisa pushed his bread out of the plastic wrapper more and glanced up at Rei. “Anyway, Rei-chan, the same to you! You’ve only turned down girls every time, haven’t you? Don’t tell me,” he asked, grinning widely, “that you have someone you like already?”

“Nonsense,” Rei answered evenly, putting the last grain of rice into his mouth and replacing the lid on it. It clacked shut with a satisfactory sound. He worked methodologically and precisely, with all his movements perfectly calculated. “My academic lifestyle is clearly not equipped with timeslots to spend with a significant other. Not only would it be unfair to them for me not to be able to spend time with them, but it would also adversely affect my school performance. There are better things to focus on aside from high school romance.” He replaced his chopsticks into the holder and rewrapped his box with the cloth he brought it in.

“Oooh, Rei-chan, you’re so cool!” his friend teased. “That’s why so many girls keep swooning after you, y’know?”

The taller boy cocked an eyebrow and smiled indulgently at him. “Is that so?”

Nagisa shoved the rest of his bread into his mouth and hummed. “But, Rei-chan,” he started again, “if you ever find someone, you gotta tell me, alright? ‘Cause you’ll definitely be the first person I’ll tell if I manage to get a girlfriend!”

Despite trying to resist it, the corners of Rei’s mouth tightened a little. He breathed in deeply, and when he exhaled, he had a smile on his lips. “Of course I will,” he replied, but he couldn’t look Nagisa in the eye.

 

* * *

 

“You have everything with you already, dear?” Rei’s mother patted down the front of Rei’s shirt and smiled at him.

“Yes, I believe I’ve packed everything. If not, Makoto-senpai can help me out. It’ll only be a few days, anyway.”

Rei, his parents, and Nagisa were standing in the train station, saying quick goodbyes and wishing Rei good luck. His second round of examinations required him to go out to Tokyo for the weekend. Thankfully for him, Makoto was willing to let him stay at his apartment for the time being.

“Give us a call when you’ve arrived, okay?” his mother said and stepped back.

“I will.”

Nagisa dashed forward and grabbed Rei around the waist. “Good luck, Rei-chan! You’re definitely going to pass, so don’t worry about it!”

The taller boy smiled and patted his friend gently on the back. “Thank you, Nagisa-kun.”

“And don’t miss me too much,” he added with a large wink.

Rei laughed and shook his head. “I’m not quite sure about that part….” He glanced at his watch and patted Nagisa twice for him to let go. “It’s about time I should go.”

“Alright, dear,” his mother replied, pulling him in for a brief hug as well. “Have a safe trip and do your best. No matter what, we’ll be here, supporting you.”

“Thank you, Mother.” He squeezed her tightly once. Rei smiled at his father when he clapped him on the shoulder.

“Be safe,” he said.

Rei nodded. “I will be.”

 

* * *

 

The train ride from Iwatobi to Tokyo took several hours, and Makoto met up with him at the station. It had been a long time since they saw each other, so they exchanged brief hugs and long conversations on the train rides back to Makoto’s apartment.

“So you’ve decided on this school, huh?” Makoto said as he carefully nudged Rei’s duffle bag into a corner of the small room.

“Yes. Since it offers good courses on physics and mathematics, I decided that attending it would be my best choice.”

“Hmm. That’s good, that you know where you’re headed.” The older boy turned to look at Rei with gentle eyes. It had been a year, but Makoto didn’t seem like he had changed much. He was still calm, gentle, and always on the lookout for his friends. “I know you’ve probably already thought about it since you’ve come so far, but are you sure you’re ready to leave Iwatobi behind?”

Rei paused. He fiddled with the strap of his bag and then lifted it over his head to set down on the floor. “I have thought about it,” he answered. “Many times, in fact. I think it will be incredibly difficult to leave—after all, the town has really come to grow on me,” Rei said with a faint smile, “but I don’t think it has what I need in order to reach my full potential. I feel like there are so many more opportunities available to me out here. That’s why I want to come to Tokyo instead.

“Besides, even if I stayed in Iwatobi for the rest of my life, things won’t remain the same. I’ll never be able to return to the days I’ve spent with everyone in Iwatobi High, even if I go back to the same hallways every day. The faces around me will change, and the relationships I’ve made will as well.

“But that’s what life is about, right? Facing the future and learning to adapt with things as they go on? That’s why, no matter how much I will miss home, I want to keep moving forward. I don’t want to be trapped in a standstill, trying to hold onto things that I know will change in the end.”

Rei’s voice was steady the entire time he spoke, but he didn’t look at Makoto. Instead, he had taken to staring at a spot on the floor between them. His hands were fisted at his side tightly.

His friend appraised him thoughtfully. “You’ve grown, Rei.”

Embarrassedly, Rei fixed his glasses. He didn’t mean to have blurted out so much, especially not after the two of them were able to meet again after so long. “N-Not at all.”

Makoto laughed good-humoredly. “Well, that’s fine. Being the closest person to yourself, it’s hard to see how or when you’ve changed sometimes. But even if you can’t see it personally, don’t ever forget that you’re always improving and growing.” He smiled supportively at Rei. “And that, no matter how much things seem to change, we’ll always be here for you.”

Rei bowed slightly and accepted the words gratefully. “Yes.”

Makoto paused and looked out the window briefly, appearing a little lost in thought. Rei didn’t interrupt him and waited patiently.

When he returned his gaze to Rei again, he looked mildly wistful. “Would you like a drink?” he changed the topic. “I don’t have much, but I think there might be some barley tea in the refrigerator.”

He chuckled. “Thank you. I would appreciate that very much, Makoto-senpai.”

 

* * *

 

That night, when Rei slept on the guest futon in Makoto’s tiny living room area, he dreamt of a future where Nagisa loved him back.

The next day when he woke up, he entered his second round of examinations and tried his best to forget it.


	6. I Want to Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/89974864397/ten-paces-from-you-chapter-5).
> 
> **“When did I fall so deeply in love with you? I can’t remember, and I want to forget.”**

Two weeks after Rei had returned from his short trip to Tokyo, the results of the university’s new entrants were announced. Even though he would receive a letter in the mail confirming the outcome of his tests in a few days, he simply couldn’t wait. However, Rei couldn’t just go back to the metropolis to check whether he had made it or not, so he had no choice but to wait nervously back at home. Although he insisted that it was alright, Makoto offered to go to the school campus on that day to check for Rei.

And so, Rei waited that morning, tightly clutching his phone at the dining table.

His mother and father were there too, though they continued on with their daily activities normally, as not to put further strain on their son. However, they did occasionally glance at him, just to make sure he was alright. The smell of miso soup filled the air as Rei’s mother prepared breakfast, and the familiar din of the television news washed over the semi-tense atmosphere in the house.

Suddenly, his phone vibrated, and he nearly dropped it in his nervousness. He hit the answer key clumsily and brought the phone to his ear. His palms were sweaty, and his fingers shook.

“Hello? Makoto-senpai?” His voice wavered.

“Rei?” The hustle and bustle in the background from Makoto’s side was distracting and made it difficult to hear him. He pressed the hard plastic closer to his face and strained his ears. “Oh! Sorry—excuse me.”

Normally, Rei would have asked if Makoto was okay, but right now, he had other things preoccupying him. “Makoto-senpai, how—how was it? Did I—”

There was a clear smile in Makoto’s voice the next time he spoke. “Congratulations, Rei. You made it.”

“I—” Rei’s voice stuck in his throat, and he looked up to see his parents comically frozen mid-action and staring at him expectantly. His mother had a pair of dripping chopsticks in her hand, and his father had a cup of coffee raised halfway up to his mouth. The absurdity of the situation, along with the news he just received, made him burst out laughing. “I passed!” he declared, grinning widely.

“Oh! Rei!” his mother exclaimed, clapping her hands together, never minding the chopsticks. “What wonderful news!”

His father smiled back at him and glowed with pride. “As expected from our brilliant son.”

“Mother, Father, please,” he muttered embarrassedly. He started fixing his glasses furiously. Rei nearly poked his eye when he overshot his reach. When he heard Makoto’s laughter coming from his phone, he flushed even darker. “Ma-Makoto-senpai! I apologize. Thank you so much for going out of your way and checking my results for me!”

“It’s alright, Rei. I know exactly how nerve-wracking it is to not know your grades. It was no problem. I’m just glad I was able to help.” There was a pause, and then, “I’ll let you go now. I’m sure you have lots of other people to tell the good news to.”

Rei opened his mouth briefly and closed it. As usual, Makoto’s discretion was in high form. His smile softened at the edges. “Yes, I think I do.”

“Congratulations, Rei. I’m really happy for you! I’ll text you again, so see you later.”

“Thank you, Makoto-senpai. Bye.”

He ended the call and immediately punched another number in for speed dial. Rei mouthed to his parents that he would come out again after his phone call and headed to his room.

Once he passed the doorway, he went to sit down on his bed while waiting for the line to connect. He smiled nervously and glanced outside the window to pass time. After a few long seconds, someone picked up, and Rei could hear the sound of rustling blankets and yawning on the other side.

“Hello? Rei-chan?” A very sleepy voice floated over to him. Suddenly, there was a very sharp, alarmed gasp. Louder shuffling followed suit, making Rei wonder if all the blankets on Nagsia’s bed had just been unceremoniously shoved onto the floor. “Oh my god, Rei-chan! It’s today!” Nagisa exclaimed loudly. Rei had to pull the phone away from his ear for a second. “Today’s when the results come out! How did you do? Did you pass? Did you do it?”

“Nagisa-kun!” he scolded with an amused smile. “Calm down first!”

“How am I _supposed_ to stay calm? We’ve been waiting for this for _ever_! Now c’mon, c’mon, tell me how you did!”

For a second, he considered teasing Nagisa and not telling him right away, but he was too benevolent for such tricks. Rei puffed out his chest proudly. “I made it!”

“Rei-chan, oh my god! You did it! You really did it! I _knew_ you’d be able to! Congratulations! I’m so, so, so happy for you! Oh man, I _told_ you you’d be able to pass, didn’t I? I totally did!”

The taller boy wondered how many neighbors Nagisa was disturbing with his loud voice, but he only laughed. “Yes, you did,” he said, answering his friend’s last question. “Five million times too often, by the way.”

“Well, _some_ body wouldn’t believe in himself and trust that he would be able to pass, so I had to step up and make sure he did!” Nagisa went on endlessly. “Wow, I can’t believe it! I mean, I _can_ believe it, but at the same time, I can’t! Rei-chan, you’re going to Tokyo to study in a few months! _Tokyo_!”

The grin on Rei’s lips dropped, and a sudden jolt of coldness ran through his veins. His fingers gripped his phone tightly, and he felt like the world had frozen for a very brief second. In the next moment, his body ran hot, and his palms started to sweat. When the plastic of his cellphone started to creak, he loosened his hold hastily and tried to breathe again.

“… Aaah, I’m so jealous of you, Rei-chan! Being able to live where Mako-chan is and see all those cool things every day!”

Rei chuckled weakly. From what he was hearing on the other side, it sounded like Nagisa was finally getting out of bed. His friend grunted as he tossed his blankets back onto his mattress and plodded around his room, still sounding very excited.

“This is so great, Rei-chan! Congratulations! Man, I’m gonna give you the _biggest_ congratulations hug when we see each other later! I’m so excited for you!”

“Thanks, Nagisa-kun. I’m… I’m really excited too.”

Nagisa, who had been raving on and on as if he were the one who just passed a series of difficult tests instead of Rei, suddenly went quiet. “Rei-chan?” he asked worriedly.

“… Yes?”

“Are you okay? You kind of sound….” He trailed off, and Rei could imagine how his friend looked with his face bunched up and his hand waving vaguely in the air. “Off.”

He started. “No! No, I’m fine. I think the shock of making it is just starting to hit me is all. I’m perfectly alright!”

There was no sound from the other side for a second, as if his friend didn’t believe him. But Nagisa didn’t push it. “Well, alright,” he finally said. Then, he brightened up again. “I’ll see you on the train later!  I’m definitely going to give you that hug, no matter how crowded the car is! Oh shoot, it’s this late already? Ah, I’ll talk to you later! Bye, Rei-chan!”

Rei barely had enough time to say good-bye as well before Nagisa ended their call. He stared at his phone screen until it blacked out, then he dropped his hands into his lap.

He felt numb and cold. The phone was heavy in his palm, so he threw it across on his bed and buried his face into his hands instead. He slipped his fingers beneath his glasses and pressed against his eyes until blues and reds sparked behind his lids. His eyes stung and burned, and the feeling spread to his nose and the back of his throat. Something stuck there, and he couldn’t draw breath.

That’s right, he realized. In a few months, he, like Makoto had almost a year ago, would be boarding an airplane and leaving for Tokyo. It wasn’t an ultimatum, as if he would never return to Iwatobi afterwards, but it would be the beginning of a split between him and everyone else who would be staying behind.

This was what he wanted, he thought. Maybe it was. From the beginning, he had always wanted to expand his world and go beyond what Iwatobi was able to offer him.

When he entered his first year of high school, that was what he thought. It had been what he believed in for what seemed like forever. Just like how his older brother had gone to school in Tokyo, he had aspired to move into the big city as well. But when he met Nagisa, his resolve weakened and changed, and Rei started to doubt himself.

For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do. The life plan he had constructed and drilled into his own mind from the time he was eight started collapsing beneath his feet. What seemed like a solid plan for his future turned into water he couldn’t keep in his palms.

Suddenly, the place he had originally thought of as dull and quiet became charming. He started to want to stay behind in that small, fishing town, where idyllic days would follow him for the rest of his life, and maybe nothing spectacular would happen to him. He wanted to be there forever, just so that he could see Nagisa every day.

But what use was there of it?

From the very beginning, he knew that there was none. Nagisa would never see him the way he saw Nagisa, and even if he had—even if, for some unfathomable reason he did like Rei back—what was the point of one year?

Rei wasn’t stupid. He knew the probability of first relationships working out, not to mention a long-distance one. All the statistics went against his favor, and they were all hypothetical in the first place. In theory and practice, the probability of things “working out” was zero.

No matter how many times Nagisa told him that he “loved” him, their level of affection would never be the same. That was just how things were, and there was nothing Rei could have done to change it.

The two of them have had that type of conversation together too. As close as they were, there was very little that Rei and Nagisa didn’t share with each other, although Nagisa had always been the more forthcoming one.

“Hey, what do you think it’d be like to go out with another guy?”

Nagisa was the one who brought up the topic first. It was lunchtime during their second year on a day when it was only the two of them on the roof. Chigusa had invited Gou to hang out with some other friends, and Haruka and Makoto had to see Amanakata-sensei about their plans after graduation.

It was a random question, though it wasn’t one that was completely irrelevant to Rei and Nagisa, considering their group of friends. However, Rei hadn’t exactly been expecting it so suddenly, so when he looked over at Nagisa with a very shocked and puzzled look, the blond started laughing.

“What.... What so you mean?” he cautiously asked in turn. Rei hoped that his face hadn’t gone red, and that Nagisa wouldn’t notice how his pulse and breath had quickened. His mouth had dried up immediately as well.

“Um, like.... Actually, I don’t know what other way I could say it, so basically just as I asked? ‘Cause I mean, I’ve always only liked girls, but Mako-chan and Haru-chan are going out, right? So I was just wondering how that would be like.” He took a thoughtful sip from his carton of strawberry milk and looked past the chain-link fence surrounding the roof area.

Rei didn’t know what to say, so he remained silent. After a moment of reflection, he spoke up. “... Why don’t you ask Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai directly instead?”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious how _they_ feel about it,” Nagisa beamed at him, “but I never really thought about it too hard myself, so I wanted another opinion too.” Nagisa’s eyes were wide and innocent.

“I suppose it just feels normal for them,” he suggested softly.

The shorter boy finished his drink, sucking on the straw until he could no longer slurp up the last drops. He looked a little thoughtful. “Yeah. Because they like each other, right? It’s not like it’d be weird or anything. But, you know, what’s weird is that they’re literally childhood sweethearts. How sappy is that?” He laughed playfully.

Rei smiled, but uncertainty clawed at the edges of his smile.

Nagisa’s voice turned serious as he flattened down his milk box, “The other day when I was in the convenience store, I heard a bunch of guys talking about that kind of thing, where two guys would be dating, right? But they were being so mean about it!” The blond furrowed his eyebrows angrily. “I don’t know why they thought it was ‘gross’ or whatever, but they were _seriously_ being rude. I wanted to give them a piece of my mind, but they left before I could say anything about it.”

The taller boy listened quietly without comment.

Nagisa went on heatedly. “Isn’t what’s important about a relationship whether or not the people like each other? I mean, there’s other stuff involved too, but as long as they’re happy and aren’t hurting anyone, then I think it’s alright.” He clapped his hands over his flat milk carton and huffed angrily.

Rei paused, and then smiled mischievously, a thing he had started to do after being around the shorter boy too much. “Since when did you become so mature, Nagisa-kun?”

“Hey!” his friend exclaimed in mock-complaint. “Give me some credit here! I can have deep thoughts too!”

“And so you do,” he replied mildly.

“Anyway,” Nagisa said, his tone becoming curious and solemn again, “what do you think, Rei-chan?”

He didn’t reply immediately. Nagisa was looking at him with such open curiosity and expectancy that Rei couldn’t hold his gaze for too long. “The same as you, I suppose. Everyone has their own preferences, but as long as they’re happy, then I don’t see what the harm is.”

“Right?” Nagisa asked, shuffling toward Rei enthusiastically. He leaned backwards and threw his head back with a heavy sigh, his fingers clinging onto his crossed ankles. “Why can’t everyone think like us, huh?”

“I think we’d be in trouble if everyone thought like _you_ Nagisa-kun,” he teased.

Nagisa gave him a side-long glance. “What’s that supposed to mean?” But then he grinned and stuck his tongue out at Rei. “Anyway, I tried to imagine how it’d be like to go out with another guy, but I guess it’s just not my thing, huh?” This time when he stuck out his tongue, it was mildly apologetic and playful.

Rei smiled without any feeling behind it and looked away. “To each their own,” he replied in a soft voice.

“And I say, live and let live!” Nagisa declared with a fist in the air. He dropped his hand back into his lap and giggled. “But what about you, Rei-chan? D’you think about that kind of stuff too?”

Rei swallowed. “What stuff?”

“Like who you’d like to go out with and stuff in the future.”

“Aren’t you getting a little nosy and gossipy?” the taller boy asked in retaliation. He cleared his throat. “And what was that back there? ‘Live and let live’?”

“Eeeh! You’re not telling me? But I told _you_ what I thought! No fair! And what was wrong with me saying something like that? I thought it sounded really cool! Right, Rei-chan? I’m really cool, right?” he exclaimed.

“Hmm, I wonder about that....” Rei rubbed his nose hard and hoped Nagisa wouldn’t notice it getting a little red. He thought Nagisa would keep teasing him and trying to force an answer out of him—like he would have a year ago—but he didn’t.

“Rei-chan! You suck!” he sulked playfully. After he was done being “mad” at him, Nagisa smiled brightly. “But, y’know, Rei-chan, whoever it is you like, I’ll always be here, cheering you on! One hundred percent support! Whoo!” He threw his arms out and up cheerfully.

Despite himself, Rei cracked a smile.

“Wow, I sort of sounded like Ai-chan for a second, huh?” Nagisa fisted his hands into balls and made a concentrated expression. “‘Rinrin-senpai! Do your best!’” he imitated. He dropped his fists and grinned again. “How was that?”

“I don’t think that’s what Aiichirou-kun calls Rin-san,” he replied with a touch of humor. “And I’m not sure Aiichirou-kun is really that enthusiastic all the time.”

“Maybe he should start calling him that then!”  The shorter boy rocked back and forth happily. Then he leaned in conspiratorially and told Rei, “And he is _definitely_ that enthusiastic around Rin-chan. You should really see him when he thinks Rin-chan doesn’t know he’s watching him.” After nodding sagely, Nagisa ran out of seriousness and became devious again. He was bouncing with energy when he attacked Rei with his next set of questions. “Hey, hey! What so you think s’been going on between Rin-chan and Ai-chan, anyway?”

He furrowed his eyebrows and adjusted his glasses. “Now you’ve officially entered gossip territory, Nagisa-kun. That’s a bad habit.”

The blond’s shoulders slumped dramatically. “Aw, don’t be a spoilsport, Rei-chan! I’m not really gossiping! I’m just concerned about the romantic well-being of our friends!”

Rei let out a dubious hum and looked away. “No matter how you put it, I’m positive that you’re just being a gossip….”

“I call slander, Rei-chan! Don’t be mean!”

The rest of their conversation slowly fell away to other subjects until the bell rang, and they had to head back to class. Nagisa never really pursued that vein of topic after that, though they did occasionally touch up on it, and Rei himself never brought it up.

In the present day, Rei rubbed his eyes and slapped his face sharply to snap out of his daze. He put on a smile.

His parents were still outside, undoubtedly waiting for him so that they could properly congratulate him.

This was his choice, and there was no more reason to dwell upon it. Things were still moving forward, and Rei knew this was the right thing to do.

He kept telling himself that as he walked out of his room.


	7. Keep Your Heart Busy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/90261790317/ten-paces-from-you-chapter-6).
> 
>  
> 
> **“Keep your heart busy, because if you don’t, your mind will take you places that will bring you to tears.”**

The next month passed faster than Rei ever expected. One week, he was worrying about his entrance exams, and the next it was his last high school finals. By the time he had prepared for those, he was already going to graduate.

He didn’t know how it happened. It seemed like only the other week when Gou, Nagisa, and he attended Makoto and Haruka’s graduation ceremony, so how could it be that it was their turn already? It was amazing and shocking at the same time. He wasn’t sure if he had been having much fun, but time had already flown by.

He had blinked, maybe, because the next moment he was acutely aware of again was when he was at the front of the school auditorium, reaching out to receive his graduation certificate from the principal. He nodded at Rei and offered him a generic word of congratulations before handing him his paper. Rei could hear applause for him as he bowed and stepped off the stage.

It was strange.

Everyone was outside, chatting with each other. Students, parents, and friends milled around the courtyard of Iwatobi High, and Rei felt lost. Even though he had attended the same school for so long, he suddenly felt like he didn’t belong. A strong sense of disconnection overtook him. Just what had he been doing for the past three years?

“Rei-chan!”

He turned around to see Nagisa running toward him, clutching a black tube which housed his certificate. His friend waved it around enthusiastically and approached him with an eager grin. Rei’s anxiety ebbed away until he was able to wedge it in the far edges of his consciousness.

“Congratulations!” he yelled.

Rei smiled at him as well. “Congratulations.”

“We finally did it! We finished high school!”

“Indeed.”

Nagisa’s smile remained on his lips. He breathed in deeply and let it out, as if getting rid of all the heavy burdens on his shoulders.

For the next few seconds, they stood there quietly while people around them chattered and walked about. There was a lot of crying, laughing, and jostling going on. The blond looked around curiously and then faced Rei again.

“This is weird, huh? That we’re done.”

Reluctantly, Rei nodded. “Yes.”

His friend stared at the tube he held contemplatively. “This is proof of our three years of hard work....” Nagisa rolled it around in his hand and didn’t say anything for a long time. When he did again, though, he positively exploded. “Man! This is so weird to think about! I mean, we’ve basically been preparing for this for weeks, but it’s so weird to actually _be_ here like this! It’s a totally different feeling, you know? Like, this is the end, and we’re headed for even bigger and scarier things!”

Rei laughed at the shorter boy’s sudden outburst but nodded. “Yes, I agree with you. No matter how many times I think about it, it’s rather hard to believe....”

Nagisa sighed. “And after this, we’ll be all split apart and stuff too....”

He said nothing. Rei had been aware of that the entire time.

Rei knew that high school graduation was just the beginning to a series of radical changes in their lives. After this, the life they had grown so used to would start fading away until it becomes replaced with something else.

There were a lot of things Rei wanted to tell Nagisa at that moment. He had been keeping everything to himself for the past three years, although he had no idea how he had been able to.

Keeping secrets was hard.

There were so many instances where Rei found himself on the verge of blurting things out—just saying them for the sake of _saying_ them. Times like when Nagisa and he went out firefly watching, pressed fading gingko leaves in their notebooks, made snow penguins and traced snow butterflies, or went cherry blossoming viewing together. Times when Nagisa had crumbs stuck to the corner of his mouth, stopped by his house and claimed Rei’s bed as his own for half-hour naps, or sat quietly next to him and actually studied.

Rei wouldn’t be able to count the number of times he _almost_ said things, but he always caught himself at the last second, because he knew it would change nothing for the better if he did.

He looked up and saw Nagisa still contemplatively turning the plain black tube, his fingers running up and down the smooth surface until it reached the line where it opened up. He had a faint smile on his lips.

It struck Rei that it had been a long time since he really looked at his friend. If he were honest with himself, Rei had actually been actively avoiding looking at Nagisa too closely lately. But now that they were so close, he was stunned.

A slight breeze ruffled Nagisa’s soft, blond curls from his face before settling them back down. As usual, Nagisa’s eyelashes were long and thick, and they faintly obscured his bright eyes, which where inordinately fascinated with his certificate holder. Over the course of their high school career, Nagisa’s jawline had grown a little sharper, though his facial structure remained soft and gentle. He had gotten taller too, but he remained shorter than Rei.

Somehow, nothing had really changed since he really saw Nagisa for the first time. And, to him, the shorter boy was just as beautiful as ever.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei heard his own voice, hushed and slightly blown-away. He couldn’t remember consciously deciding to speak up. “I—”

His friend tilted his head up at being called, his eyes wide and curious. “Hm?”

Rei’s voice stuck. This was one of those moments again.  He cleared his throat and started again. “I… hope you’ll have fun at your new university.”

Nagisa grinned widely and nodded. “Thanks, Rei-chan! I hope the same for you too!”

Rei didn’t know if he was being a coward or practical at that point, but that was all he could bring himself to say.

In the next second, another familiar voice called out to them in the form of a very teary and puffy-eyed Gou. Nagisa laughed and waved at her. She stopped in front of them and wiped her tears messily on her handkerchief, vaguely coherent and extremely emotional.

“Aw, Gou-chan! Don’t be like that,” the shorter boy said while patting her shoulder comfortingly. “It’s not like we’ll never see each other again! We still have some time left together! Right, Rei-chan?”

Rei paused for a second, his friend’s honest and clear gaze striking through him. He pushed up his glasses and nodded firmly. “Of course!”

Nagisa smiled proudly at Gou. “See? Even Rei-chan says so, and Rei-chan’s _never_ wrong!”

“I know!” she wailed, “But it’s still going to be different! I’m going to miss you two!” Gou sniffled sadly and her lower lip trembled.

The blond turned around again and jerked his chin at Rei, gesturing for him to get closer to them. Rei considered his options for a second, looked at Gou, and then walked toward them with a smile. Nagisa opened up his arms and enveloped them in a group hug.

“We’ll make sure to hang out a lot, okay?”

Nagisa was smiling, but none of them missed the way he purposefully neglected to include the rest of the implied sentence.

_We’ll make sure to hang out a lot before Rei-chan needs to leave, okay?_

 

* * *

 

Despite promises and plans, the time they had left was still too little.

Like a dream witnessed through a fog, the time they spent together after graduation passed by like a smudge of color with a touch of sound, smell, and touch. If not for the absurd amount pictures that they took together, it would have been like their shared moments never existed in the first place.

Even though he had a year to dread the end of his long dream, Rei still felt as if something was missing. There were so many things they promised to do together as a group before it was too late. It had always been, “It’s okay! If not this week, we can do it another time. We still have months!” or “Maybe we should just take it easy this week, huh? The tests were pretty tough this time around…” and “But Gou-chan and Ai-chan aren’t going to be here for it.”

And before any of them knew it, their weekends were running out, and the days they had remaining could be counted down on their fingers.

“We never got to go to the amusement park together.”

“Mmn.”

“Or to that one café Gou-chan really wanted to go to.”

“Yes, unfortunately.”

Nagisa sighed heavily and stretched his arms above his head. “I guess it was always bound to be like this, huh? They always say to ‘live life with no regrets,’ but I think there will always be a little of it in the end.”

The taller boy looked at him. “I wouldn’t say regret is inevitable though,” he cautiously offered.

“Yeah. That’s true. But it’s always like, ‘I wish I had done this,’ or ‘If only we had gone that week instead!’ or something.” He pulled at his bangs absently and smiled wanly.

Rei carefully considered his words before speaking up again. “If the happiness you gained at the end of your journey outweighs the regrets you have, then I would consider it a success.”

“Yeah?”

Rei smiled back. “Yes.”

“I guess you’re right.” The golden-haired boy swung his legs back and forth over the edge of the low wall they were sitting on. “And it’s not like we’ll never, ever see each other again. You’ll come back to visit during vacations and stuff, after all.”

Although Rei nodded, he didn’t actually know how true that statement would be.

“And if not, we still have the Internet and cell phones! And unlike Rin-chan, you’re a lot easier to get a hold of. No time difference and stuff.” Nagisa laughed softly. “When you come back, Rei-chan, you’d better tell me all about the awesome stuff you see in the big city. You can’t just go around forgetting us because Tokyo’s so much cooler!”

“Of course not,” he replied. “I’ll be sure to email and text you.”

“I’m holding that promise to you!” He held up a victory sign with his hand and smiled widely. In the next second, he quieted down and looked ahead once more. It was in these rare in-between seconds that Rei was able to see Nagisa’s more serious side, though they had been cropping up a lot more ever since their third year started.

“I’m glad we were able to meet and become friends. It’s weird how life just brings people together, and you never really know how things will turn out until the end. It was like fate that brought us all together!”

No matter how many times he saw Nagisa in such a thoughtful mood, however, Rei was always a little impressed. But seeing his friend so solemn made him feel melancholic as well, so he decided to remedy it. Rei fixed his glasses and cleared his throat. “If I remember correctly,” he said, “there was nothing ‘fate-like’ about our meeting. You were rather annoyingly persistent in getting me to join the swim club.”

“Yeah, well, if I hadn’t seen you that one day in that one train car, things could have turned out totally different! The end deal is, we met, you joined the swim club, and now we’re awesome friends! Best friends!” Nagisa crossed his arms and nodded dramatically.

“If you insistently put it that way, then I suppose you are correct,” Rei said with a smile.

“Of course I’m right! Who d’you think I am anyway?” His friend peeked at him playfully.

When Rei started laughing, Nagisa joined in and dropped the act.

After they calmed down, the blond spoke up again. “I really am happy that we met, Rei-chan. Thanks for being my friend.”

His smile faded until it became wistful. “Yes. I’m glad we met too. Thank you for taking care of me for these past three years.”

Rei counted his breaths and heartbeats in the comfortable silence which blanketed them warmly, and his hand longed to reach out and take Nagisa’s in his own.

 

* * *

 

In the same way waking nightmares and hyper-vivid dreams occurred, the day that Rei had dreaded almost a year ago had come. Now, it was his turn to stand before his family and friends in the airport, saying goodbye to them individually. Despite how many times he rehearsed it in his mind, parting was so difficult and painful. Just as Rei thought, he was terrible at goodbyes.

“Don’t forget to call us when you have the time, dear. Or at least send us a mail once in a while.” Rei’s mother was looking up at him kindly and smiling.

“If you don’t, we’ll be the ones leaving you fifty messages a day.”

Rei laughed at his father’s teasing threat. “I’ll do my best to keep in contact. Please do not worry.”

“If there’s anything you ever need, Rei, you can call us whenever you want.”

He swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded. “I know. Thank you very much.” Rei leaned down to hug his mother and bowed at his father.

Haruka offered him a very brief word, only telling him to “Take care,” but Rei still appreciated it. Gou was just as teary-eyed as when she said goodbye to Makoto, though she had Aiichirou and Nagisa as moral support instead of her brother. She hugged him quickly once and wished him good luck, saying that she’d miss him greatly. Aiichirou and Rei bowed to each other continuously and kept using polite speech until Nagisa smacked them both on the back and told them to “talk normally already!”

And then it was Nagisa’s turn to say goodbye. He was almost alarmingly composed this time, and that was when Rei realized how much his best friend had grown in a year.

They stood there, watching each other with half-bitter smiles. Neither of them was quite sure what to do. But then Nagisa sucked in a deep breath and flung himself into Rei’s arms. He felt his breath getting squeezed out of him as the shorter boy embraced him. Nagisa still had to tip-toe a bit to get at a comfortable height for hooking his chin onto Rei’s shoulder.

“Go out there and work hard, Rei-chan. You’re gonna be awesome, I just know it.”

“I’ll do my best,” he responded, softly patting Nagisa on the back. The shorter boy smelled sweet.

“And seriously don’t forget to call.”

He closed his eyes and smiled. “I won’t.”

“I’ll send you Rock Hopping Bread,” Nagisa said in a dead-serious voice right behind Rei’s ear. “Like, boxes of them.”

He pulled back and held Nagisa at an arm’s length. “Nagisa-kun,” he said in an equally serious voice, his eyes trapping his friend’s gaze in a steely stare-off. “Please don’t.”

The corner of Rei’s mouth twitched, they both burst out laughing, and he let his hands drop from Nagisa’s shoulders.

“Well,” Nagisa said, and Rei felt like this was about the time a screen should pop up and prompt him with, “Would you like to save your game now? You will no longer be able to return after this point,” because he had definitely been dragged into playing too many video games with Nagisa over the past three years and knew all the tropes already. “I guess this is it for a while. Until you come back to Iwatobi.”

He realized he could have said a lot of things in return, but all of them would be non sequitur and useless. Now more than ever did the sense of being just _too late_ settle around the curve of his neck and start suffocating him in earnest.

He watched Nagisa, who had his head tilted down and was refusing to meet his gaze. This wasn’t the same boy who clung on the front of Makoto’s shirt for dear life a year ago. He wasn’t the same boy who sat next to him on the train while completely oblivious to how lonely and alienated Rei felt.

Nagisa had grown and changed, and so had Rei. They were older and different, and this trend would only continue in for the rest of their lives.

“Yes,” Rei heard himself saying, “until then.”

Nagisa’s shoulders began to shake, and he suddenly threw himself back into Rei’s arms.

“Rei-chan, I’m gonna miss you!” he started sobbing, and Rei’s heart lurched and started hammering in his chest. He squeezed his arms hard around Nagisa’s shoulders and hoped that the shorter boy would be too distressed to notice his pounding heartbeat.

And maybe he was wrong about all that. Perhaps he wasn’t too late, and he still had a chance. Nagisa and he were still the same naïve and silly fifteen-year-olds they met as, and nothing would ever change that essential core of their personalities.

They were all crying now, finally unable to hold back, and Rei was so helplessly in love and lost and the game screen in his mind kept blinking at him to save his progress and proceed and then he was speaking again without really knowing it.

“Nagisa-kun,” he said, voice catching and breaking in the four syllables he had to rasp out. The words behind his eyes continued blinking and urging him to make a choice, time was running out, and there was no turning back after this. He felt like everything in him had frozen. Rei clenched his eyes and breathed in deeply, willing the right words to come from his lips, because he had already made his decision. “I’ll miss you too.”

The screen turned black, and Rei swallowed, his chest feeling hollow and his hands shaking with what he could only guess was regret. Nagisa backed up and breathed in deeply.

“I’ll text you every day. Every day, okay?”

“Okay,” he replied, and the cogs in his internal clock stuttered back into motion. “I look forward to them.”

They smiled at each other, and Rei’s head was filled with white noise.

 

* * *

 

That night, Rei was finally standing at the threshold of his new single-person apartment. Calling it modest would have been an over-exaggeration.

It had a tiny kitchen, a small bathroom, a moderately-sized living room area and an adequate bedroom. He wasn’t going to be able to hold any wild parties in his apartment, but for a single, male college student, it would suffice.

It was quiet, save for the hum of his small refrigerator and the buzz of the lights he had switched on. Several stories below him, he heard the soft din of traffic through the panes of his windows. His landowner had warned him that the air conditioner had a tendency to rattle when in use, but it was still too cold to even think about using it yet. The walls were an off-white, which was either by design or old age.

He stepped in and took his luggage with him. Outside, boxes of his things were haphazardly stacked against the wall, courtesy of the delivery men who helped him earlier.

Rei breathed in the cool, somewhat stale air of his new home for the next four years. He closed his eyes and listened to how still everything was.

Suddenly, his breath caught in his throat and at once, and Rei realized exactly how lonely he was going to be.


	8. Better This Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/90454960902/ten-paces-from-you-chapter-7).
> 
> **"It's better this way, that when I reach out, you aren't there anymore."**

> **_Hey, Rei-chan! How's life in Tokyo? I miss you already!_ ** **(*´** **Д** **｀** **)**

 

> _Good afternoon, Nagisa-kun. Life here is alright. After all, it's only been a day since I left._

 

> **_wwww But still! Isn't it different waking up in a new place and stuff?_ **

 

> _It is. But it's bearable._

 

> **_It's so weird passing by your stop and knowing you're not home._ ** **( ;** **∀** **;)**

 

> _It was a little strange to wake up this morning in this apartment instead of home too._

 

> **_Waaah, no! You're gonna make me sad if you keep talking about that!_ ** **(** **ノ** **Д`)** **・゜・。**

 

> _Hahaha. Alright, then._

 

> **_So what are you gonna do today???_ **

 

> _There are still a lot of things I need to buy for the apartment, so I was thinking of doing that._

 

> **_Oooh! That's right! You haven't sent me pictures of your new place yet!!!_ **

 

> _It was late last night, so of course not._

 

> **_Well, it's nice and bright now, isn't it?_ **

 

> _I suppose. Very well, hold on for a second._

 

> **ヽ** **(^^)** **ノ**

 

> _[Picture attachment]_

 

> **_Oh, wow, Rei-chan! It looks pretty cool!_ **

 

> _It's just a normal, single-person apartment. There's nothing special about it._

 

> **_Yeah, but still! You're living out there by yourself, all adult-like. Isn't that cool?_ **

 

> _Hm, I don't know about that..._

 

> _I'd better head out now, before it gets too late. I'll talk to you later, Nagisa-kun._

 

> **_Okay, Rei-chan! Tell me what you buy later~_ ** **(** **≧** **◇≦** **)**

 

* * *

 

> **_Good morning, Rei-chan!_ **

 

> _It's 2:30 in the afternoon, Nagisa-kun._

 

> **_Details, details! I just woke up, so it's morning to me!_ **

 

> _How did you JUST wake up right now?!_

 

> **_I set my alarm to 1:00 instead of 13:00. Lol_ **

 

> _Nagisa-kun..._
> 
> _Anyway, what's the matter?_

 

> **_Oh yeah! When do you have orientation for uni? Mine's next week._ **

 

> _Mine will be this Friday._

 

> **_Huh, that's pretty soon._ **

 

> _Yes._

 

> **_I'm so excited for this!! But also scared._ ** **(;´Д** **｀** **)**

 

> _Of what?_

 

> **_Having to make new friends._ **

 

> _Nagisa-kun, you're going to be fine._

 

> **_But still! It's scary._ ** **(´** **ー｀** **)**

 

> _Like I said, you'll be fine. Your bright personality always attracts others to you._

 

> **_Ehe. You're gonna make me blush._ ** **(´** **ω** **｀** ***)**
> 
> **_I haven't eaten yet, so I'm gonna go now! I'll see you later. I hope your orientation goes okay!_ **

 

> _Alright. Take care._

 

* * *

 

> **_I signed up for classes!_ **

 

> _As have I._

 

> **_What's your schedule like? I have first period on Tuesdays._ ** **(T_T) _But other than that, I have later classes!_**

 

> _Ideally, I would have liked to have more morning classes, but the way my schedule worked out, I'll have a sixth and seventh period class on Wednesdays._

 

> **_Ew, lol. Rei-chan, you actually want morning classes?_ **

 

> _It's healthy to sleep and wake up early every day._

 

> **_Mmn, whatever you say! I still want to be able to sleep in a little more in the mornings._ ** **(^^** **♪**

 

> _To each their own._

 

> **_Lol I guess so! I signed up for some history courses this year, but what about you?_ **

 

> _Well, my major requires some math courses, so...._

 

* * *

 

> _How was the first day of classes for you?_

 

> **_I only had one in the afternoon, so it wasn't too bad! It's so different from being in Iwatobi High, isn't it? But at least everyone else looked about as nervous as me. Lol_ **
> 
> **_The professor seemed pretty cool too! What about you?_**

 

> _I had Physics and Calculus today in the morning. The workload seems to be bearable. The course content is also rather interesting._

 

> **_Uuugh, gross. Only you can say that about math and stuff._ ** **(** **￣** **▽** **￣** **)**

 

> _Shush, you little rascal._

 

> **_Lol_ **
> 
> **_Have you made any new friends yet?_ **

 

> _No. I've been otherwise preoccupied with preparing for classes._

 

> **_I've been meeting people around campus and stuff, and I went to some drinking parties too._ **
> 
> **_Don't worry! I didn't drink a lot and made sure to get home safely!!_ **

 

> _I'm glad to hear that you've been meeting fellow schoolmates, but do be careful._

 

> **_I will be! Don't worry~_ **

 

> _If it's you we're talking about, it's hard not to._

 

> **_Loool So rude, Rei-chan!_ **

 

* * *

 

> **_Hey, Rei-chan, do you think it's safe to eat garlic if it's started to sprout?_ ** **(*´ω** **｀** **)**

 

> _Sprout?_

 

> **_Yeah._ **
> 
> **_Kinda like... Majorly sprout? As in, I can probably stick them into some dirt and have them grow???_**

 

> _..._
> 
> _Nagisa-kun..._

 

> **_Omg, nooo. It's not my fault! I just found them in the cupboard this afternoon and ???? ?? ??_ **
> 
> **_They look like they've been here for a while... Lol_ **

 

> _The fact that they appear to be "majorly sprouting" is evidence enough for that, I think...._

 

> **_Well, you cook for yourself now, right? So you should know!_ **

 

> _Nagisa-kun, there is such a thing called the "Internet"...._

 

> **_But it's so much faster asking you!_ **

 

> _..._

 

> **_Lol Reeei-chaaan!!!_ **

 

> _Honestly, Nagisa-kun..._

 

* * *

 

> **_[Picture attachment]_ **
> 
> **_Gou-chan, Ai-chan, and I were able to hang out today~ We all miss you!_ ** **( ;** **∀** **;)**

 

> _Looks like you are all having fun. What's on today's agenda?_

 

> **_Not much! We just had lunch together and we're thinking of maybe watching a movie! Have you seen that new animated film that came out?_ **

 

> _Not yet._

 

> **_Awww! Well, maybe you should watch it today too, so it'd be like we all saw it together!_ ** **ヾ** **(*´** **∀** **｀** ***)** **ﾉ**

 

> _Hahaha. Maybe. Makoto-senpai invited me to dinner tonight, but since it's the weekend, we might be able to go see it._

 

> **_Yaaay~! Let's talk about it later tonight then!_ **

 

> _Alright._

 

> **_Oh, we're at the theater! I'll see you later!_ **

 

> _Have fun._

 

* * *

 

> **_Nooo, it's time for midterms already!_ ** **(-_-;)**
> 
> **_I could have sworn we just started classes like last week..._ **

 

> _You can't be giving up already, are you?_

 

> **_Ummm..._ **
> 
> **_Ehe._ **

 

> _Nagisa-kun..._

 

> **_Sorrryyy. It's just that I've already forgotten everything we've learned already..._ ** **(´** **ー｀** **)**

 

> _I told you to keep reviewing so this wouldn't happen!_

 

> **_I knooow, but studying is so boring!_ **

 

> _Hearing that from you is no surprise. You only studied back in high school because I made sure you did._

 

> **_Ehehehe!_ **
> 
> **_But you know, that was back then! This is now! You don't have to worry about me now!_ **

 

> _How am I supposed to do that when you just said you forgot all of your course materials?_

 

> **_I'm part of a study group now, so I'll be sure to study!_ ** **(** **。** **-`** **ω-)**

 

> _Well, that's good to hear. I hope they'll keep you accountable for your study habits._

 

> **_I'm doing my best too, you know!_ **

 

> _... Debatable._

 

> **_Rei-chan, you're so meeaaaan_ ** **.  (** **ノ** **Д`)** **・゜・。**

 

> _Hmmm._
> 
> _How about you do well in your midterms, and maybe I'll reevaluate my opinion._

 

> **_Alright! Just you watch, Rei-chan, I'm gonna do awesome!!_ **

 

> _Do your best then._

 

> **ヽ** **(^^)** **ノ**

 

* * *

 

> **|д** **ﾟ** **)**

 

> _?_

 

> **(** **。** **-`** **ω-)**

 

> _Nagisa-kun? What's up?_

 

> **(=_=)**

 

> _..._
> 
> (・・?

 

> **ヽ** **(^^)** **ノ**

 

> (・・;)

 

> **(** **≧** **▽≦** **)**

 

> (´ー｀)

 

> **(*´з`)**

 

> Σ(ﾟДﾟ)⁉

 

> **(/'** **ω')/**

 

> ( ﾟДﾟ)
> 
> _Okay, enough silliness. I have to get to class now, so I'll see you later._

 

> **(´** **Д** **｀** **)**
> 
> **_Okay! Bye bye~!_ ** **☆** **彡**

 

* * *

 

> _Good afternoon, Nagisa-kun._

 

> **_Hi, Rei-chan!_ **

 

> _The azaleas around campus are blooming beautiful lately._
> 
> _[Picture attachment]_

 

> **_Oh! In Tokyo too, huh? They're looking super nice here too~_ **
> 
> **_Soon, it'll be the hydrangeas' turn!_ **

 

> _That's a little soon, isn't it?_

 

> **_Not at all~!_ ** **(^-^)**
> 
> **_Before you know it, it'll be summer vacation soon too!_ **
> 
> **_Aw, man, I can't wait for summer vacation...._ **

 

> _Just because you did well on your midterms doesn't mean that you can slack off during your finals._

 

> **_Shhh, Rei-chan. Don't burst my bubble here. Lol_ **
> 
> **_Anyway, do you think you'll come back to Iwatobi for summer?_ **

 

> _Perhaps. I don't have any plans to take summer classes or find a part-time job just yet, so I was considering the options._

 

> **_Yay! Then we'll be able to hang out again!! I hope you do come back, Rei-chan!_ ** **(*_*)**

 

> _I'll keep you updated on the situation._

 

* * *

 

> **_Rei-chaaan._ **

 

> _What's the matter?_

 

> **_Uuugh._ **
> 
> **_I don't wanna studyyyyy._ ** **ヽ** **(** **｀** **Д´)** **ノ**

 

> _You said that you would!_

 

> **_I knoooow, but._ **
> 
> **_Uuuuugh._**

 

> _What happened to studying with your group?_

 

> **_Lol I'm actually with them right now._ ** **(^_-)-** **☆**

 

> _Nagisa-kun...._

 

> **_Studying's boooriiiiingggg._ **

 

> _You've been doing fine up to now, so I'm sure you’ll do alright in your finals._

 

> **_Yeah, but stiiiiilllll. Studyiiinnnggg._ **
> 
> **_Nf oshw igjekshco ahdife_ **

 

> _Nagisa-kun._

 

> **_KDIVH WOCKAHCOW HFIQB CP!!!!!_ **

 

> _..._

 

> **_Lol Okay, okay. I'll stop._ ** **(´** **▽** **｀** ***)**
> 
> **_Oops, I have to go now! I got caught by Misa-chan!_ **

 

> _Good. Go study now._

 

> **_Okay! Bye bye~!_ **

 

* * *

 

> _Today is your first final, isn't it? Good luck!_

 

> **_Thanks, Rei-chan! Good luck to you to! Fiiight!!!_ **

 

* * *

 

> **_I think I just failed my last test. wwww_ **

 

> _Wasn't that the one you studied most for?_

 

> **_Yeaaah, but... Yeeeaaaaah..._ ** **(T_T)**

 

> _I'm sure you did better than you thought. I still have a final left, so I'll talk to you later._

 

> **_Okaaay~~~ You got this, Rei-chan!_ **

 

* * *

 

> **_REI-CHAN, WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK???_ **

 

> _I'm on the night bus now. I should be at the station tomorrow morning. My parents will pick me up from there._

 

> **_OMG._ **

 

> _Calm down, Nagisa-kun._

 

> **_I CAN'T. OMGGG, REI-CHAN, YOU'RE COMING BAAAAACK!!!_ **

 

> _Yes, I am indeed._

 

> **_I can't wait to see you again!!!_**

 

> _Me too._

 

> **_This is going to be so great! Ai-chan and Gou-chan are really excited too!!_ **
> 
> **_And so's Haru-chan, but you know he is. Lol_ **

 

> _Hahaha._
> 
> _I think I'm going to try and get some sleep in during the ride, so I'll see you soon._

 

> **_Okie-dokie! See you TOMORROW!!!_ **
> 
> **_G'night, Rei-chan!_ ** **(^** **◇** **^)**

 

> _Good night, Nagisa-kun._

 

* * *

 

“No, it's  fine! I put a lot of books into this one, so it's a little heavy.” Rei hefted up the bag on his shoulder and smiled reassuringly at his mother.

It seemed like forever since he had gone home, though it was realistically only a few months. Regardless, he had been missing Iwatobi and everyone he knew. It was strange for him to see his parents again face-to-face at the train station when they went to pick him up.

In the time he had gone away, it didn't seem like much about him had changed. Rei still felt the same, but being around his parents again and heading back home made him feel a bit out-of-place, as if he no longer fit the space he occupied before. But he was sure it was a matter of time before he would be able to mold back into the everyday schedule he had previously been part of.

Everything about him was still in a flurry of disarray, since they had barely come back home. Although he had been able to sleep on the hours-long bus ride home, he still felt drained.

His parents and he were able to put his luggage into his room, and then they left him alone to rest.

He changed info some clean clothes, washed his hands and face, and went back to his room, which his mother had kept for him during the time he was in university. Everything was in the same place it was before he left.

Rei smiled and sat down on his bed. Unlike his apartment in Tokyo, which was usually deathly quiet or bustling with the noisy energy of other university students, his home was filled with soft domesticity. The television was on the news channel, his mother was humming as she walked around, and once in a while, muted conversations between his parents reached his closed door.

No matter how awkward he felt, Rei realized that home was home no matter what.

Briefly, he checked his phone for messages and found none, which was surprising, considering the amount of times Nagisa was bored throughout the day and sent him mail.

After a long semester of hard classes, finally being able to come back home felt wonderful. Rei's eyelids grew heavy, and the humid air was making him drowsy. He lay down on top of his bed, not bothering to pull back the blankets.

They felt cool against his bare arms and infinitely comforting. Sleepily, he pulled off his glasses and closed his eyes.

Within minutes, Rei had entered a light sleep. The ambient sounds of his home filtered into his dreamscape gently as he dozed.

There was some banging, which he heard through an earful of cotton, and then some mixed cadences of voices. His hand twitched on his stomach, but Rei didn't wake. Sleep pulled him down deeper, and Rei lost track of himself.

Three knocks on his bedroom door woke him up from his unexpectedly sound slumber some indeterminate time later. He opened his eyes and was confused for a second but quickly put on his glasses and sat up. It was still light outside, so he assumed not too much time had passed since he drifted off.

“Yes?”

No one responded on the other side, and Rei wondered if he had just imagined the noise. But then the floorboards outside his room creaked, and he knew he hadn't misheard.

He stood up and made his way to the door with a yawn. Rei ran his hand through the hair on the back of his head.

“Is something the matter?” he asked as he opened the door.

He froze when he recognized who was at the door.

Nagisa was practically shivering with bottled up energy and excitement as he stood there with a huge grin on his face.

“Rei-chan!” he squeaked, and then Rei was being hugged to death.

The impact of the embrace nearly threw Rei off his feet, but he stayed his ground.

“Nagisa-kun?” he yelled, startled at the abrupt greeting.

His friend shoved his face against his shoulder and enthusiastically constricted the life out of him.

“Welcome back!” he called out with a muffled voice.

It was surreal to suddenly be hugging Nagisa and Rei would have liked to continue, but the matter of the fact was that it was hot and sticky, and the embrace was becoming a little uncomfortable.

He gently pushed Nagisa away. “What are you doing here?” he asked incredulously, a smile he didn't even know he had on his lips widening.

Nagisa's eyes sparkled with happiness. “I know we were supposed to meet up tomorrow, but I couldn't wait, so I came over first!”

“I-I just woke up,” Rei said, completely off-topic and disorientated.

The shorter boy started to laugh. “Looks like it,” he smiled, his eyes trained on Rei's impressive bedhead. He pulled the taller boy into another hug again. “Welcome back,” he said once more.

Rei rested his chin lightly on Nagisa's head, just as he had done for so many years. “I'm back.”

 

* * *

 

That night, Nagisa stayed for dinner, and it seemed like nothing had changed. Despite the time they all spent apart, the routine they had followed naturally came back.

But their conversations were not the same, and the cast of characters that kept showing up in Nagisa's stories was different as well. Although Nagisa gad been telling him bits and pieces about his life in university basically every day, Rei appreciated being able to hear and see his friend regale his tales with vigor and flourish.

Nagisa told him about the plans he had made along with Aiichirou and Gou to all hang out together the next day. And then he began to enumerate plans for what seemed like the rest of summer.

Rei smiled and laughed while Nagisa continued talking with him as of they had just gotten back home from swim practice.

This was the home he had missed so much.

 

* * *

 

There was a lot of catching up to do with Haruka, Aiichirou, Gou, and Nagisa. While texts and emails had been exchanged between the five of them, as expected, there was nothing quite like being able to spend lazy, hot afternoons together and do nothing but talk.

After having their group scattered to different parts of the world, all of them were excited to be able to meet up again for summer festivals, just like they used to.

It was a strange feeling for Rei. During the first few days after he had cone back, he oscillated between the realization that nothing and everything had changed. Since Iwatobi and he were evolving on two different tracks, even if people and places looked the same, they weren't.

It wasn't hard to fit back into the flow of things though. Although the pace of living was drastically different in Tokyo and Iwatobi, Rei managed to readapt to things. Soon, he was again being pulled along with Nagisa's whimsical schemes, though it was no longer just the two of them and their old friends.

Rei came to know more of Nagisa's study group and closer classmates as well as Gou and Aiichirou's new friends. He himself managed to meet a few new acquaintances throughout the semester, but he had a strong feeling that he would never be able to form bonds as strong as those he had created while in Iwatobi High.

Although he had a slight inkling for most of Nagisa's new friends from his numerous texts, he was finally able to put faces to names. There was Yuuki, who was quiet and enjoyed playing video games; Akane, who was part of her high school's swimming team as well; Misaki, who liked making jokes and taking photographs; and Rikiya, who, like Nagisa, had a morbid fascination for horror stories and deserted islands.

He supposed that Nagisa's new friends were just as unique and quirky as their group was.

Rei spent a majority of the summer with them with a sense of what he wouldn’t exactly categorize as “jealousy” but more as “nostalgia.” As he had suspected, the summer they shared in their third year of high school was the last one where they could have spent by themselves in their group. Now, Nagisa had more people to talk to and try to force into participating in weird festival games, and his first instinct wasn’t to turn to Rei. He almost felt as if he was an outsider who was looking in on Nagisa’s life now, instead of being part of it.

But he was glad that Nagisa had made so many new friends. He really was.

 

* * *

 

Summer passed quickly too.

In the hazy nights of suffocating warmth and mosquito bites, they went to see fireworks and fireflies, stargaze and weave flower crowns. And when the heat waves and heavy storms passed to let cooler weather come, it was time for Rei to go back to Tokyo.

Goodbyes became part of the norm, no longer tear-filled and emotional, but more casual and taken for granted. Nagisa didn’t go to the station to see Rei off, though he did hug him extra hard the last day they were able to hang out and wished him good luck. He also promised to keep texting him and keeping in touch, which Rei was happy for.

He didn’t know if, after not seeing Nagisa for so long, his feelings for his friend had grown or faded. Sitting on the bus and waiting for it to bring him back to the big city only made him feel empty.

Maybe, he thought to himself, it was better that things were like this now.

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

 

> **_Have a safe ride back, Rei-chan!_ **

 

Rei smiled and put his cell phone away.

 

* * *

 

> **_Are you back home now?_ **

 

> _Yes, I just came back a while ago. I think I’m going to sleep for a while more though._

 

> **_Okay! Rest well!_ **

 

* * *

 

> _The trees around Tokyo are starting to change colors now. Is Iwatobi the same?_

 

> **_Yeah! They’re looking really pretty again~_ **

 

> _Remember how we used to collect leaves and press them?_

 

> **_Yep! Gou-chan was the one who started it though, huh?_ **
> 
> **_I still have books with leaves in them!_ **

 

> _Maybe I’ll start doing that here too._

 

> **_That’d be great! You can show me the leaves you’ve collected when you come back again!_ **

 

> _I’ll try to remember then._

 

> **_Yay~!_ **
> 
> **_I’ll make sure to collect a lot to show you too! ^_^_ **
> 
> **_Look forward to them~~~!_ **

 

* * *

 

> **_Hi hi! Your classes are done for today, right?_ **

 

* * *

 

> _Sorry, I forgot to check my phone earlier._
> 
> _Did you need something?_

 

> **_Nah, it wasn’t anything important. I was just bored! Lol_ ** **** **(*_*)**
> 
> **_I’m in the middle of something now though, so I’ll get back to you later! Byeeee!_ **

 

> _Okay, see you later._

 

* * *

 

> _How have you been, Nagisa-kun?_

 

* * *

 

> **_Whoops! Sorry, Rei-chan! I didn’t even notice that you sent me a message! >_<_ **
> 
> **_Rei-chan?_ **

 

* * *

 

> _I forgot to charge my phone, and it ran out of battery last night. Sorry I didn’t realize until this morning._

 

> **_It’s okay! I was the one who didn’t see your text in the first place. Lol_ **

 

> _I have to get somewhere in a few minutes, so I’ll send you a mail later._

 

> **_Gotcha!_ **

 

* * *

 

> **_Sorry I haven’t sent you any messages recently, Rei-chan! I’ve been so busy._ ** **( ;** **∀** **;)**
> 
> **_I hope you’re doing well!_ **

 

* * *

 

> **_Will you be coming back to Iwatobi for winter break?_ **

 

> _No, I don’t think so._

 

> **_Oh…. That’s too bad!_ **
> 
> **_Well, I hope you have fun in Tokyo!!!_ **

 

> _I will._

 

* * *

 

> **_Happy birthday, Rei-chan! I wish we could have celebrated it together, but we can’t…._ ** **(** **ノ** **Д`)** **・゜・。**

 

> _Hahaha. Thank you for your birthday wishes. I wish I could have gone back home as well._

 

> **_Don’t have too much fun without us, alright? Hehehe._**

 

> _I’ll do my best._

 

* * *

 

Rei got back to his apartment late at night. It had been a long day of classes, and he was glad it was over. Since he had already eaten dinner, all he had to do was to wash up before being able to settle down for the evening.

Absently, he dug into his pocket and took out his phone. He noticed the light on it blinking and remembered that he had set it on silent mode beforehand. Hastily, he slid it open.

The screen informed him that he had one missed call and a message from Nagisa.

As the months passed by, the texts he received from Nagisa grew less and less frequent to the point where they would only talk maybe once every two or three weeks. Rei himself had been becoming busier with schoolwork and other activities as well, so he didn’t pay it much mind. Seeing that Nagisa had tried to contact him surprised him.

Rei opened it.

 

> **_Hey, Rei-chan! I tried to call you earlier, but I guess you’re busy right now!_ **
> 
> **_Anyway, it’s no big deal, but I just wanted to chat with you about something. Call me back whenever you can!_ **

 

He punched in Nagisa’s phone number to call, going over to his small kitchenette to get a glass of water. As he drank it, the phone trilled to indicate that it was connecting.

In a few seconds, his friend picked up.

“Hello?”

At the sound of Nagisa’s voice, Rei smiled without realizing it. It had been a long time since they conversed like this.

“Good evening, Nagisa-kun. You said you wanted to talk to me?”


	9. Hard to Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **“They say first loves are hard to forget, but I don’t want to let go at all.”**
> 
> Also on [Tumblr](http://algidwind.tumblr.com/post/91521453563/ten-paces-from-you-chapters-8).

“Hello?”

“Good evening, Nagisa-kun. You said you wanted to talk to me?”

 “Rei-chan! Hi!” Nagisa sounded extremely excited to hear him. “Sorry for calling you earlier. I forgot that you had late classes on Wednesdays.”

“It’s no problem. I always set my phone on silent during class.” He put his cup by the sink and shuffled to his small living room area.

Rei doesn’t remember why they don’t call each other as often as before. He had missed hearing Nagisa’s cheerful voice. Although he could usually “hear” Nagisa when he texted or emailed him, it was nicer to be able to talk to him directly like this. It felt more familiar, close.

“So?”

“Good news,” his friend started.

“Let me guess, you actually started studying for your tests without causing others grief?”

“Rei-chan, how is that anywhere near the definition of ‘good news’?” Nagisa laughed. Rei could almost hear his friend rolling his eyes, and he could definitely hear his grin.

He smiled. “It would be good news to me.”

“Okay, but this is _my_ good news, so it’s not about school!”

“Here’s to wishful thinking,” Rei sighed heavily and played along.

“Hush, hush! And listen to me, alright?”

He made a noise of confirmation and sat down on his chair.

“Remember a long while back, when we had that one conversation about dating people?”

The blood in Rei’s veins ran icy cold as the shock of slow realization dawned upon him. His mouth went dry as a stab of pain went through his chest. “Yes.”

“And how we’d promise to tell each other right away if we managed to find someone?”

Rei shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Yes.”

“Well, guess who found himself a girlfriend?”

He could practically see Nagisa as he leaned forward with bright and happy eyes as he said it. Rei’s vision flickered and darkened at the edges. His heart began to beat rapidly and his fingertips started to tingle.

“I....” He needed to breathe.

“Rei-chan?”

“C-Congratulations, Nagisa-kun!”

His friend laughed. “Thanks! You know Misa-chan, right? You met her when you came back home for summer. And I always talk to you about her and everyone else.”

Rei knew her. Ochiai Misaki. A soft smile and mischievous eyes floated up to his distorted memory. She was the practical, no-nonsense type, much like Rei, but she was fond of making fun with Nagisa as well. The two of them seemed well-versed in friendly bantering and joking, their inside jokes and impromptu play-conversations overriding most of the normal ones. She was a nice girl.

“I’ve been talking to her a lot these past two semesters, and I guess somewhere along the way, I kind of fell for her. Heh.” Nagisa sounded like he had a wide smile on. “You were right back then, Rei-chan! In high school? When you told me I should get to know a girl better before going out with her? I’m glad that I followed your advice!”

“Yes,” he replied softly, completely aware that he was entering a panic attack. “Of course.”

“I asked her to be my girlfriend a few hours ago, and she said yes! Don’t worry! You were definitely the first person to know! I didn’t want anyone else knowing about it before you.”

“Thank you for remembering our promise,” he answered somewhat mechanically. His breath was really getting too short. He had to hang up now. Rei’s mind raced as he tried to think of some excuse. “Ah! I-I think the pot of soup I was warming up is boiling over, so I have to go now! I’ll-I’ll talk to you more later! Congratulations again, Nagisa-kun. Bye.”

“Soup right now? It’s like ten at night th—”

Rei closed his phone without letting his friend finish and threw it onto the low table. It clattered and slid across the wooden surface loudly. Rei closed his mind, focused on his breathing, and tried to regulate it through his nose.

Tiny red and blue dots scattered and chased the field of his vision, narrowing and blurring it until it was like he wasn’t even wearing his glasses. His heartbeat was fast and uncomfortable, and he felt like vomiting. Now his toes had started going numb along with his fingers. The sensation started crawling up his legs and arms.

He didn’t know what to expect. Of course Nagisa’s life would go on and he would find a girlfriend. He wasn’t the one caught up about stupid things, after all. And with a personality like his, it had always just been a matter of _when_.

It was never with seriousness that Rei hoped that Nagisa would never find someone else—either a girlfriend or another best friend—to replace him, but he had hoped, even though he knew it was wrong. Selfishly and idiotically, he had hoped.

And now, dark feelings of unjustified jealousy boiled from his chest and throat.

Probabilities and calculations of failed first relationships flowed through his mind, and all Rei wanted to do was believe that Nagisa and Misaki’s relationship would ultimately not work out. But then what? Then Nagisa would just be sad and upset. And eventually, he would find someone else.

But if this relationship falls apart, then at least, Rei thought, at least it would be proof that he wasn’t wrong and he, even if he tried to go out with Nagisa, would have failed.

He wished and hoped and couldn’t stop his panic attack, and suddenly, Rei was crying and pinching himself hard to try and get some semblance of sanity back.

Realistically, he knew that he had no right to feel anything but happy for Nagisa. He never said anything to his friend, and so he should not have expected anything. The shorter boy owed him nothing either.

And yet, after so many years of loving him and pining after him, Rei couldn’t help but feel broken.

But, after all, he had to reap what he sowed.

And this was this was the result of his own choices.

 

* * *

 

Life went on, as it always did. Rei was hurt, but he knew from the beginning there was nothing he could do. There was some small and vague comfort in that.

He learned to answer Nagisa’s texts cheerfully and genuinely, even though almost all of them were about Misaki. He watched their relationship progress and supported them the best he could.

Misaki and Nagisa had fights sometimes, and in some backhanded and ironic twist of fate, Rei was the first person Nagisa contacted for aid.

Sometimes, in the middle of doing homework, his phone would ring, and he would pick up to a nervous-sounding Nagisa who didn’t seem to want to inconvenience him but needed his advice. And unless he really had no time or was too stressed out, Rei helped.

Patiently and logically, Rei would lead Nagisa through the steps of thinking about both sides of the situation and then solving things with his girlfriend.

He would calm Nagisa down when he was angry and waited for him to quiet down when he cried, but he always tried to be there for him. And if Nagisa was the one who was wrong, he didn’t hesitate to point it out either. He was a fair judge for the sake of his friend.

On days when everything was going well, Nagisa would immediately tell him too, because he had always been the type who liked sharing his happiness with others. Despite only having met her a few times, Rei learned an incredible lot about Misaki through Nagisa’s texts and phone calls.

He never complained about his friend’s long retellings or stories, except jokingly or when he had something urgent to do.

No matter what he felt for Nagisa, in the end, they were still friends. Rei wasn’t going to let something like his selfish feelings ruin the precious bond he had with him. Aside from that, being able to hear Nagisa speak so cheerfully about the person he loved gave Rei joy too. It was just that the happiness he felt also came with the side effects of long periods of quietness and self-reflection afterwards.

There were chances for Rei to proceed in life as well, in the form of warm smiles and suggestions for a drink after class from his classmates and friends. But he declined them all and only went so far as to spend as much time with his acquaintances as social politeness required. He didn’t know if he was being spiteful, childish, or stubborn, but he simply didn’t _want_ to move on.

Maybe it was self-punishment for making the wrong choices and running away. Maybe it was for being a coward and never even trying. Or maybe it was desperate hope that things would miraculously go his way in the end.

He didn’t know. What he did know was that his behavior and actions were psychologically harmful and destructive. But even so, he simply couldn’t stop.

 

* * *

 

“Haru, where did you put the extra plates at?”

“Wait! Rin-senpai, we can’t eat those yet! Mikoshiba-buchou, please don’t encourage Senpai!”

Rei was in the middle of Haruka’s home, surrounded by old friends and new company. It was his second winter break in university, and this year, he had decided to come back. Everyone else had too. Even Rin from his training in America and Makoto from Tokyo.

He was accustomed to having his birthday celebrated alongside Christmas, since that was just the way things went, but he remembered once upon a time when Nagisa used to make sure everyone threw a party especially for him and didn’t conveniently put up Christmas decorations as well. Now, everyone was busy, and it was a miracle that they had even managed to get together for this.

Nagisa was hanging up mistletoe in inconvenient locations, Aiichirou was attempting to keep Rin and Seijuurou from devouring everything with little success, Gou and Misaki were helping with the table decorations, and Haruka and Makoto were in the kitchen, preparing dinner.

Rei was trying not to fall apart.

He watched.

Was it only him who felt this way now? As if he didn’t actually belong? Whose fault was it? Surely, it was none of his friends, because they still tried to incorporate him into things and talked to him just as kindly as they always had.

It must have been himself. He was the one who was pulling back farther and farther into a place no one could reach him.

Rei didn’t know his things had come to this point.

He who had read so many books in human psychology to keep his mental health up, who did studies on happiness and made schedules to ensure optimal healthiness, who always thought logically and rationalized everything—he was coming apart at the seams. And he couldn’t tell anyone.

“Misa-chan! C’mere and check if this looks crooked for me?”

His eyes darted to the source of his friend’s voice. It felt wrong and perverse to watch, but Rei couldn’t tear his eyes away from Nagisa and Misaki as they giggled and kissed gently under the mistletoe.

They looked so sweet and good with each other. Nagisa deserved this. He deserved to be happy.

Rei excused himself from the dining room to no one and went to the bathroom to do some breathing exercises.

 

* * *

 

“Hahaha, there’s no way Rei-chan would have done that!”

“It’s been a while since you saw him, Nagisa. Anything could happen when it comes to Rei now.” Makoto laughed slightly and looked over to Rei, who had a similarly faint smile on his lips.

“If that’s the case, then wouldn’t Rin-san be the biggest contender for having ‘Most Changed’?” he teased lightly.

Across the table, Rin was trying to sneak some of Aiichirou’s food from his plate. Caught red-handed, he had no choice but to abandon his efforts and loudly object. “What’re you talking about? I’m just the same as before.” Aiichirou scolded him for trying to steal, but ended up forking some of his steak to him anyway.

Everyone watched as Rin mumbled a thanks and accepted the offer. His previous glare softened considerably, until Gou started giggling.

“What?” Rin bristled again, his cheeks turning a little pink when he realized everyone was staring.

Seiijurou laughed loudly next to Gou. “Matsuoka! Who would’ve thought it’d be Nitori who’d make you like this!”

Both of them turned red and looked anywhere except at each other.

Rei pushed his glasses up. “Point and case,” he said with a sly smile.

“Alright,” Nagisa conceded with a sparkle in his eyes, “but Misa-chan, you wouldn’t _believe_ how Rei-chan used to be like back in high school!”

Old inside jokes and stories from the past—from the far past Rei wasn’t part of and the near past that he was—mixed alongside tales between Iwatobi and Samezuka. The night drew on with stories that elicited tears from both nostalgia and happiness.

Rei laughed as well and watched as everyone interacted in pairs.

 

* * *

 

“Merry Christmas! Thanks so much for inviting us over!”

Gou, Seiijuurou, Rin, and Aiichirou were at the door, bundled up against the cold of winter. The party had winded down by the end of the night, and it was time for everyone to go back.

“Get home safely!” Makoto said cheerfully, smiling and waving to the group as they walked into the night, talking a touch too loudly with each other and laughing.

Rei was taking down decorations while Nagisa and Misaki took plates into the kitchen for washing. They chatted softly as they worked.

Once Makoto was done seeing their friends off, he returned to the dining room. He glanced at his watch.

“It’s getting pretty late now, so maybe it’s best if you started heading home too. Haru and I can take care of the rest.” He addressed all three of them.

Nagisa checked the time and hesitated. “Are you sure, Mako-chan? There’s a lot of stuff left to clean....”

“It’s alright. It’s better if you got Misaki-san back home soon too.”

The blond looked conflicted and glanced at his girlfriend.

“It’s really alright! I don’t mind staying behind to help out!” she said kindly.

“Don’t worry. I don’t have much to do after this, so I’ll stay behind and help instead,” Rei spoke up, still holding a string of red and green streamers.

Nagisa grinned impishly. “It seems kinda wrong to make the birthday boy work on clean-up duty.”

He waved it off. “It’s dark out, so you really should accompany Misaki-san back home.”

“No, it’s alright—”

“I insist, Makoto-senpai,” Rei said with a smile.

Nagisa hesitated for a second before nodding. “Okay then. Thanks, Rei-chan!” He turned to Misaki. “Let’s get ready to leave then.”

As the two of them gathered their belongings, Rei continued to clean up, and Makoto drifted between the living room and kitchen to help Haruka. Once Nagisa and Misaki were finished, the blond went to Rei.

“Happy birthday again, Rei-chan. It was really nice to be able to celebrate it together.” He stepped in for a hug and let go after a second. Rei didn’t even have the time to pat him on the back.

“Thanks, Nagisa-kun.” He smiled faintly. “Get home safely.”

“We will!” he chirped happily.

Makoto was waiting at the entrance of the kitchen to see Nagisa and Misaki out.

The couple thanked him and said goodbye to Haruka before heading to the door.

Rei heard the door open and close, and the house became a little quieter. Makoto reentered the area.

“Sorry for making you stay behind, Rei. You really didn’t have to.”

His voice was soft when he answered. “It’s fine, I don’t mind.”

Makoto looked off to the side, appearing conflicted and unsure. Hr gnawed at the corner of his lower lip and took in a deep breath. “Rei,” he said after a long second of silence, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this but...”

His hands stilled in his lap, halfway through folding a decoration together. “I don’t...”

But there was no use playing dumb, because he was fooling no one.

Makoto approached him, crouched down as well, and placed a hand on his arm. His fingers felt warm against him. “You never said anything to him, did you?”

He looked down and clenched his fingers.

“There’s no use in telling him anything,” he whispered softly. Rei swallowed hard and refused to look up. “In the first place, he never saw me anything beyond a good friend. And he’s happy now anyway, with Misaki-san.”

His friend said nothing. The water in the kitchen stopped running, and Haruka joined them shortly. He sat with the two of them silently.

“The only thing that would have happened if I told him was make him uncomfortable.”

“That’s not true,” Makoto said. “You know Nagisa isn’t the type of person who would—”

Daringly, Rei cut him off mid-sentence. “Then what else would it have changed?

“What would you do, in my situation?” The volume of his voice ramped up as he spoke. “If Makoto-senpai, you loved Haruka-senpai but he didn’t love you back? Or if it was the other way around?” He was being rude, Rei knew, speaking so directly and boldly at his seniors, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know how to stop.

Makoto looked over to his side, where Haruka was sitting, and the corners of his mouth tightened.

“Not all of us are lucky enough to find someone else who loves them back. Not like you, or Nagisa-kun, Rin-san, and Gou-san.” His voice fell to a pathetic whisper and grew softer with each name he enumerated. “Like me….”

The two older boys watched as Rei continued to shrink in on himself, his fists getting tighter and tighter in his lap until his knuckles turned white and his arms shook. His breathing was harsh in the silent room.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” It was the first thing Haruka had said since sitting down.

“Haru—” Makoto reached out and braced an arm against his boyfriend, as if to physically stop him from saying more, but Haruka was having none of that. He brushed the taller man’s arm down and continued ceaselessly.

“You know you can just move on, but you’re choosing wallow in self-pity instead. It’s already been five years—more than enough time for you if you really meant to get over it. But you’re not,” he said, not ever mincing his words or trying to soften them. Haruka was brutally honest and straightforward, just as he always had been. Makoto had stopped trying to stem his speech but still looked apologetic.

“Why are you doing this? To get others to pity you? To feel like you are the one who is being wronged? So you can be a martyr?” His gaze was cool and steely.

Rei lowered his head even more, bile rising to his constricting throat. The words stung, because they were the truth—because he did have a lot of time to stop his foolish pining and fruitless pursuit, but he didn’t. Rei didn’t want to let go of what he felt for Nagisa.

But this is what he needed. He didn’t need people edging around the topic like they were dealing with a time-bomb or have people baby him. Rei just needed someone who would firmly confront him about it, because this was unhealthy, and he needed to stop.

Haruka asked again, “Why are you doing this to yourself, Rei?”

The three of them sat in complete silence for a long handful of seconds.

“I don’t know,” he answered, his voice breaking into his hands as shards of glass. “I don’t know.”

And Rei wondered if he ever would.


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on [Tumblr](http://algidwind.tumblr.com/post/91748769968/ten-paces-from-you-epilogue).

Years passed this way. He was twenty-four and in his second year of graduate school.

A broken heart was not the end of the world. Being a man ruled by logic and reason, Rei was not foolish enough to think otherwise.

He tried to learn to forget. Instead of stubbornly ignoring the invitations to drinking parties and dinners, he started to accept them. He found that he enjoyed them, but they still weren’t what he was looking for.

He had dates with some people but never went past the third or fourth one, because he grew too uncomfortable after that and it always felt strange. Sometimes, he wondered if he was setting his standards too high, or if he was looking for someone who perfectly filled the void he had created for himself. Eventually, he realized that he wasn't really sure what he was searching for anymore.

He didn’t dwell on those thoughts for too long, because he had promised himself to let go.

And it worked, especially since the texts and calls from Nagisa went from being a daily, to a weekly, and then a monthly thing. But only if they remembered. At times, like one of them had suddenly jerked awake in the middle of dozing off, they would send each other a message. It was never much, usually just a, “How have you been?” and a, “I’m fine, and you?” in reply.

Even so, it wasn’t that their friendship rotted and spoiled into irretrievability. It was just that both of them became increasingly busy with their own lives. During the times they could get together, just the two of them, conversation flowed as if they had only paused for a bathroom break before coming back. It was natural and easy to talk with each other, but there was just never any time. Growing up did that to people—took time away from them until there was none left.

Rei got used to it, and eventually, the wound in his chest closed up.

He graduated from university as an undergraduate and then continued his education as a graduate student. His old friends’ lives had changed as well.

While Rei went on with his studies, Nagisa had found a job. Makoto was still in Tokyo, though he visited Iwatobi often to see Haruka. Rin participated in the 2020 Olympics in Japan, won gold in a few events (much to everyone’s pride and joy), and was continuing his training for the next summer Olympics. Aiichirou had moved in with him. Gou and Seiijuurou were in graduate school as well.

The fine vase of their friendship had cracked and splintered into so many veins, Rei oftentimes found it difficult to keep up with everyone, but it was always worth the extra moment to check and see.

He mended the rift that he had placed between himself and his friends as well, until the awkwardness he had felt before faded away. Makoto and Haruka noticed, but the rest of them were none the wiser. To them, Rei was just the same as he ever was. Cheerful and dorky with moments of intense introspection.

Nagisa and Misaki’s relationship had continued as well, and Nagisa no longer needed to consult with Rei on everything every time. It was their relationship now, and Nagisa and Misaki had matured and changed because of it.

Like a slap in the face by life, it seemed like all of his friends had somehow found their significant other without needing to go through the pain of trial and error of breaking up and getting back together. Their relationships had lasted from the time they began.

Rei's calculations, theories, and research had failed him, just as they always had when he was younger. Or maybe he wasn’t wrong, and it was just that everyone had been able to find their soul mate.

He hesitated to call it that, but there were few other terms he could use to describe how happy all his friends were with each other, and how easily they clicked. He didn’t know what the chances were that everyone aside from he was able to find someone.

He recalled having read something about soul mates years back, maybe between the start and middle of his high school years. It was always a fanciful idea that the girls in Iwatobi High liked. Rei supposed anyone would have liked the thought that, somewhere in this world, there exists another person who was meant for you and would love you no matter what. No matter your flaws and shortcomings, fears and hopes, personality and appearance, they would love you.

Rei decided that it was probably what most people wanted in their lives: to be loved as who they were and be able to love back.

But it was such a utopian idea, and Rei was too practical to fall for such things. There must have been a flaw somewhere in that theory, a glitch of some sort. Because when things are too good to be true, they tended to be false.

But maybe he was that anomaly. He was the flaw that existed in the theory. Rei hated being the outlier, but perhaps that was what he was. The person who was destined to someone he was not supposed to have.

This, too, he didn’t think of much, except when he suddenly found himself awake in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, despite having been sleeping soundly the entire time. Or on days when, halfway through making dinner, something would roll away from him on the cutting board, and he had to chase after it before it fell into the sink. Sometimes the thought came up in the middle of conversation, whenever a silence lasted two seconds too long. It was moments like those that reminded him that, maybe, his wound would never actually close completely.

But time helped. Eventually, it came to the point where the hurt was nothing more than a thin scar that he couldn’t really see unless he squinted hard enough.

 

* * *

 

The large paper bag he had in his arm crackled and crunched as he set it on his countertop carefully. The produce he had purchased shifted as their center of balance changed and then settled down.

It was a bright and lovely Saturday, one of the first actual warm ones in the year. The mugginess of summer was beginning to settle upon the city, but it was still at a bearable level.

Days like these were the ones Rei adored. Perfect and idyllic, but not as slow as the ones in Iwatobi. Tokyo buzzed with electricity at all times, except during the hours between three and five in the morning, when almost everyone was asleep and Rei would hold his breath. Years after moving to the metropolis, and he had still not tired of it.

He was in the middle of putting vegetables away into his fridge when his back pocket buzzed incessantly, and he knew it was a call and not a message. Rei shut the door soundly and plucked his cell phone out.

The screen said “Hazuki Nagisa.”

He answered it.

“Hello, Nagisa-kun.”

“Hi, Rei-chan!” he greeted cheerfully. As usual, he sounded like he was going to explode from happiness.

He didn’t suppose Nagisa would ever “grow up” no matter how many years passed. But then again, that was his charm point. He smiled.

Rei continued taking things out of the bag and sorting them in his kitchen as he spoke.

“What’s up?”

“Not a whole lot. Just felt like we hadn’t talked in a while.”

It had been. Maybe three or four weeks already. The last time he got a text from Nagisa, it had been a complaint about work. When Rei answered it though, he got no reply and left it at that. His friend was always so busy now, it seemed.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Sorting out groceries. I just came back from the market.”

“Huh.” There was some rustling in the background, and it seemed that Nagisa had sat down. “I probably have to do that soon, now that I think of it. I think I’m out of carrots or something.

Rei didn’t have anything to say to that, so he just hummed. He closed a cupboard door and fished around the bag for remaining items.

There was a long, sort-of awkward pause after that, as if Nagisa didn’t know what to say either.

“Hey,” Nagisa called out suddenly, as if he had been holding in the exclamation.

His hand paused halfway into the bag. Something was different about his friend’s tone, but he wasn’t sure what. It sounded like fear and something else. Rei withdrew his hand and focused on the sounds coming from the opposite side of the line.

“Yes?”

“About Misa-chan,” he started abruptly, and Rei’s heart did a traitorous backflip, because maybe—

Rei sucked in a cold breath and held it.

He shouldn’t have been thinking of such worst-case scenarios—break-ups and cheating, lying and secrets—he really shouldn’t have, but as he gripped the side of the countertop, Rei’s heart was hoping for them. It was selfish and ugly and terribly unfair for Nagisa, but if it was the news he had been hoping for then, perhaps...

Nagisa was breathing in deeply and trying to control his voice. “I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now, but things kept happening, and I wasn’t able to. But, um,” he said with a shaking voice, and Rei waited. “Misa-chan and I—We’re getting married.”

Rei’s pounding heart stopped for a second, and a very familiar sensation ran through his body. He remembered feeling like this the first time Nagisa called and told him he had a girlfriend. This time, however, it was a more distant cold that left him feeling oddly calm.

Rei knew shock when he felt it, so he bore through it, riding on adrenaline until he would be forced to hang up or the conversation ended.

“Nagisa-kun, that’s wonderful!” Rei said cheerfully. He had gotten absurdly good at this. “When did you propose?”

“Thanks,” his friend said, sounding breathless and relieved. “Last week, sort of. Um, there was a sudden rainstorm that got us trapped under an awning, and I just kind of....” He laughed sheepishly. Nagisa went on in a small, giddy voice. “She said yes.”

It was so like Nagisa to be so spontaneous.

“I mean, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and Misa-chan and I’ve been sort of talking about it lately, so.... I just decided that there’s no time like the present. Besides, we've been dating for a while.”

Five years, Rei thought. Since their first year of university to now, it had been five years since Nagisa and Misaki had begun dating.

To some, marriage after five years of dating would have been too fast, but for Nagisa, it was perfect timing. It suited him, this sense of spontaneity and rush.

“Please tell me you at least had a ring with you?” Rei asked, and his voice sounded naturally exasperated.

“Of course! Jeez, Rei-chan, you’re gonna have to give me more credit than that, y’know! Just because I proposed suddenly doesn’t mean I didn’t plan it at all! I had been thinking about it for weeks!”

But he had said nothing about it to Rei. He shouldn’t have felt betrayed either, but....

“I-I really meant to tell you, but it kept slipping my mind. I’m really sorry, Rei-chan! But it’s not like a whole lot of people know yet. I talked with my parents and Misa-chan’s parents beforehand, of course. And Haru-chan and Gou-chan already know, 'cause they live here and all.... You weren’t back in Iwatobi last week like Mako-chan, or else I would have told you then too!” Nagisa fell quiet, like he always did when he felt bad about something. Rei could see him shrink on himself and squirm around in his seat. “And Ai-chan Skype-called me a few days back, which is why he and Rin-chan know too.”

He realized that, among their group of friends, he was the last one to find out. Something bitter and regretful made the corners of his mouth twitch.

“Don’t get angry though! I told everyone that I wanted to be the one to tell you, so they never said anything. But I just—”

A mechanical smile floated to Rei’s lips. “Why would I be angry? I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting married! Though it’s weird to think that you’re the first one to among us.”

The blond laughed. “Well, if you think about it, Haru-chan and Mako-chan have practically been married from the beginning. I bet they’ll tie the knot soon too, after Mako-chan’s done with uni and finds a job.” There was a break. “I really am sorry about not telling you right away, Rei-chan. Are you really not angry?”

He paused. “Well,” he said, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t even a little peeved.”

On the other side, he heard Nagisa suck in a deep, guilty breath.

“But don’t be silly,” Rei went on, his fingers picking and scratching at his countertop. “I’m glad for you, Nagisa-kun. Congratulations. To you and Misaki-san.”

Nagisa’s voice became quiet and relieved. “Thanks, Rei-chan. Seriously.”

“That’s what friends are for,” he replied.

“Extortion and moral support?”

Rei laughed. “Something like that.”

Nagisa sounded considerably lighter now that he realized Rei wasn’t upset at him. “We haven’t really thought about it yet, but we were planning to have the wedding sometime next year.”

“That sounds great. Send me an invitation.”

“Of course!” he said happily.

“I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world,” Rei said in a soft voice.

“You’re seriously the best friend I could ever ask for, y’know?” Nagisa said suddenly.

Rei’s heart clenched, and his eyes pricked.

Even after so many years of separation and scarce contact, Nagisa still considered him his best friend. He wondered about that sometimes, if maybe he had grown closer to the friends he had made in university or his work colleagues—and of course, he would never be able to compete for the spot in Nagisa’s heart that Misaki occupied—but he was still his best friend. Somehow, it seemed surreal.

“My sentiments are the same,” he said genuinely.

His friend laughed. “This got super sappy randomly.”

Rei smiled. He felt incredibly tired all of a sudden.

“Well, I’m gonna let you go for now. I’ll keep you updated on how things go.”

“Certainly.” Rei glanced at the paper bag that was still sitting on the countertop. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye, Rei-chan.”

“Bye.”

He hung up and looked at his phone. It alerted him that the call ended and returned to the home screen. Rei put it back into his pocket and braced his arms against the counter for a second. Slowly, he breathed and digested the news.

It was okay.

The sudden surge of hope that had risen in his chest earlier was only a fluke. It had already been five years. Now, he was twenty-four and an adult. There was no reason for him to keep holding onto that kind of fruitless hope.

His shoulders started shaking as his breath hitched and, for a wild moment, Rei lost himself. He let out a sharp, ragged gasp and tightened his fingers against the countertop. The tips turned white and bloodless, and he couldn’t see.

It hurt. So much that he couldn’t even make a sound.

Five seconds. That was all he allowed himself to grieve the choices he made and didn’t. He swallowed. Again and again, he forced the burn of bile and emotions down his throat until he was gasping again, and a single, pathetic cry came from his mouth.

It was funny—except not—how he had legitimately imagined a life with Nagisa before, back when he was only sixteen and so naive and hopeful.

He remembered now, how much he loved—loves—Nagisa. There was never a future meant for them, but Rei had always imagined, because he was a masochist, probably.

He had always only wanted an ending where Nagisa loved him back.

His five seconds were up.

Rei scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, sniffled once or twice strongly, and took in a deep, steadying breath. His hands trembled weakly, but he paid them no mind as he reached back into the paper bag of his groceries.

Tomato sauce, chicken broth, canned pineapples. A packet of seaweed. A box of instant curry. A new bottle of soy sauce.

He folded up the bag and sorted it carefully into the paper bin. Rei closed the cabinet doors and cleaned everything up. He left the kitchen quietly.

Life would go on, like it always did.

And it always would, he knew.

**End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Thanks for reading.](http://brumalbreeze.tumblr.com/post/91748848892/i-started-writing-ten-paces-from-you-back-in-the)


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